Roller coaster weekend
-TW FOR SUI METHODOLOGY!-
I asked my mom again how my aunt commited sui, and she told me this time. She asphyxiated herself on helium. I did not expect to burst into tears, I thought I would take it better than that but I couldn't help it. My mom was taken aback by my reaction. Per her standards she waited until I had calmed down to talk to me. We had a nice, honest chat about it and that was that. She always just assumes that it's done when it's done. Which honestly she should. But with me it's never done. I rarely am just "done" after one episode. I have a series of episodes and venting, crying and throwing things before I am done. Talking helps relieve the questions, but nothing else.
So I texted T. I needed to hear/read an unemotional, detached reaction. Not that T is heartless, far from it! But she knows how to distance herself and that was what I needed and got thank goodness. I actually texted T a lot this weekend. Altogether too much.
Things were better on Saturday night and Sunday. My small charge performed beautifully and worked so hard! ( I work with a 4 y/o with serious developmental delays) and Sunday I went to a theme park with friends, rode the roller coasters and has junky food 😄
Then Sunday night I exploded my tire on the way home from work 😣
-TMI for males, maybe for females-
I get very easily triggered by my monthly cycle, and happen to be smack in the middle of it, and so burst into tears again today after I got home from work. I was sent reeling back to 2nd grade, and was curled in a ball on the couch when mom found me there. She was almost exasperated, like why would I be crying AGAIN? But she is my mom, and isn't going to forbid me from crying, just gets annoyed when I don't answer her inquiries as to the reason for my distress. I was sobbing over the pain I felt way back then, the shame, and the fear. I couldn't talk. I wanted to tell her but no words would come. She go it out that it was from that incident but didn't understand what would cause the pain now. I think she thinks I should move on, but understands that she has no idea how to handle it as she's never been in my place. She's doing her best I know, but I wish she could understand that I was small, and what happened was traumatizing.