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Ooh, what a mess (trigger for ED)

Posted by SilverandBlue , 24 July 2014 · 240 views

I had T today, and made quite a fool of myself I fear. The things most on my mind were my cousin's recent hospitalization for an eating disorder and hearing the phrase: " oh, such a lucky girl!" Trigger warning for ED and potential other random things.
We discussed my cousin for a little bit, mostly I wanted to know how worried I should be, and turns out I should be very worried! She was hospitalized after her friend told her parents how bad it was and they brought her in. Hospitalization is the last resort for adolescents, as they tend to feed off of each other. Well, her blood tests were bad enough that they admitted her instantly. She has done some serious organ damage. Nothing requiring surgery, but she needs help NOW kind of damage. Apparently T is not a fan of treating eating disorders, as they are incredibly difficult to treat. (This said after I asked if she wanted to go on a trip to Minnesota 😄 where my cousin lives)

And that phrase... I use it to trick the kids I work with into eating something they dislike or doing something they don't want to do. Ex: " oh what a lucky girl! You get to help me clean your room!" Reverse psychology kind of thing. Anyway, I was telling the 4 y/o I work with how lucky girl she was to get to eat strawberries, and the way I said it completely threw me for a loop. I almost vomited right then.
I told T about this, and just as I didn't want to go into detail there, I won't here either.
Me: " I just don't like it "
T: what does it bring to mind?
Me: -silence-
Me I can't! I'm sorry, I can't! ( while hugging myself and hiding, shaking my head)
T: okay, let's reverse a bit. What is the first thing that pops into your head when you hear that?
Me: Ew! Don't, don't!
T: okay, so it's disgusting?
-nod-
T: is it sexual?
-nod-
T goes on to explain how to override my initial reaction and go with a better, secondary reaction while I sit silently and try not to think too much.
I am so glad she doesn't try to pull it out of me too quickly. Actually, the fact that I nodded when she asked if the image brought to mind was sexual is more than she would have gotten before. Baby steps.
I was silent for a while, and when I couldn't hold the tears in anymore I hid under my jacket and just sobbed. She noticed, I'm sure. I don't mind her knowing that I'm crying, I just don't like people watching me while I'm crying. It's ugly to cry. I sat there like that for a good half hour. She was sitting next to me, only talking to say how much she wished she could take the hurt away, how much she wished I was her daughter, so she could hold me in her arms and rock me. 😳 that scared me a bit. I was quite out of it, hiding there and trying to work up the courage to emerge and face the music. I didn't emerge until she moved back so I could see her and she could see me under my jacket. Then I had to.
I felt so horrified that I had completely ignored her like that! She was so nice about it, even though I went over time. On the bright side, I get to make her new pillows for her couch! The ones she has are not comfy at all, so I'm gonna make some pretty and soft ones. When I asked, she laughed and said " of course! I would love that!"
Brown and pink pillows coming up!



It sounds like you've a really good T. I'm glad you were able to tell her a little bit more. It sounds like you're making progress.

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SilverandBlue
Jul 24 2014 11:53 PM
Thank you! I would agree on both counts! Especially the part about having a great T 😄

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