Set off so easily *potential trigger*
I struggle to hear others talk about anything even remotely sexual. Or read what others write about it. So, even being on pandys and reading entries about horrific assaults and rapes just sends me into a downward spiral.
I do it anyway. Maybe I shouldn't, but it's almost like I just can't help it! I get horribly, horribly anxious when I read things on here. I get sad, scared and feel physical pain sometimes. It's beyond words most of the time. I so much as get a glimpse of anything I've written about the abuse and I shut it down. I close the journal and curl up on my bed with pillows and stuffed toys. I cry and shiver until it goes away.
Shouldn't this be gone after 1.5 years of therapy?? I have a wonderful therapist, whom I trust explicitly but I still can't look at her while talking, say out loud what happened to me or tell her when I'm struggling to talk, and just need a hug or even a hand on my shoulder.
I feel so honored when someone I know trusts me enough to disclose any form of assault or abuse. But I always end up hurting so badly for them. When a woman I know told me that she had been raped in college, I was horrified. I still feel the urge to check on her regularly, even though she has a therapist, a therapy dog and is doing very well. It's just.... I can FEEL the pain that kind of traumatizing event causes. I hurt for her, I am angry and after she disclosed such a thing all I could do was hug her. I told her: " I'm sorry. I am so sorry that happened to you. It is not fair that things like that happen"
She knows what happened to me too, so we have a connection that is unbeatable. She can sense when I am triggered or struggling and always tries to help, for which I am so grateful.
But this sensitivity! I wish I could read a book, walk into a store, or talk to people without being unsettled and triggered. Even writing this, I need to go curl up with my dog now...