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Shudder *trigger*

Posted by SilverandBlue , 11 July 2014 · 194 views

As I lay in bed last night, and not even my own bed so I couldn't curl into the crevice between the wall and the bed to hide. I just got hit with the most unbelievable wave of self loathing and horrible sadness. No warning, no real trigger. Just all at once.

The images from 2nd grade started playing again, and I couldn't stop wondering why the heck I felt SO strongly that someone had found out? I shouldn't have gone there by myself. I usually don't, I usually wait until I'm with T, but I just let myself slip into it. I wanted to figure out what had happened! I walked myself through it all, but when it came to the last part that I remember, I just couldn't. I was suddenly terrified, and I wanted to run, hide, find somewhere safe. I remember feeling pain everywhere, my whole body hurt, kind of tingled. I was clutching my stuffed dog so tightly if he had been a real dog he would have suffocated for sure! Or bitten my face off in terror. Anyway, I am just so revolted at myself I don't even want to go to bed again... What if I do it again? What if I let him back in?
I need my mommyyy...😭

Oh, SilverandBlue, it wasn't your fault then and it isn't your fault now. You're safe now. Since the stuffed dog isn't real, you can clutch it as hard as you want. 

Jul 11 2014 09:54 PM

I'm so sorry! You are safe indeed safe now. As scary and painful as the memories are, they are memories. But, I do understand about needing someone with you when you face them. I am also working to learn how to soothe myself when I find my way into that dark crevice.


I have a list of soothing strategies on my phone. It does help me when I am faced with the pain and I'm by myself.


I hope you are able to find the strategies that can help you get through those long nights. I always find the pain recedes when the sun comes up and I start my day.


I am sitting with you and rooting for you!

July 2016

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