And the journey continues
Okay, she didn't actually mess with my head that's a little dramatic.
Though she did give me a few things to muse over in the next week.
1. All of this is just mud. It will leave a stain, but eventually it fades and nobody notices. I notice, but until I point it out nobody else will.
2. She-who-guards-the-gate won't let me in. She insists I am too little to see what happened. She is in front of the curtain that hides MY memory. T said that maybe she will let me see if I can prove I am strong enough to handle whatever is in there. Hence, the coping skills paper she gave me.
*note* when I say there is she who guards the gate, I am talking about a completely fictional character that I have created, semiconciously. I think she is there because truly I am not ready to know what happened, but don't want to admit it so she is there as my scapegoat. I can blame her for my lack of memory. I know it sounds seriously crazy and psycho. I'm just not ready to give up on creating these people to help myself make sense of the craziness in my head.
It was a good session overall. I ended up curled up on the couch, she even put a blanket over me 😊 knowing that I feel safest on my bed under my blanket.
Funny thing though. I started crying, and she said "it's okay to cry, you can let it out, you are okay." Or something along those line anyway, and I immediately stopped crying. I couldn't cry anymore. It was as though being allowed to cry made me stop crying!
So I have strict instructions not to think about too much of this until next week. This will be difficult because it is constantly on my mind. I am set off by random guys at the store, by my own father, by school bathrooms, and by little boys.
I feel like this week might be better, as I did leave her office much better than when I entered. I think the long session helped a lot with getting to a safe place and completely letting my guards down. I mean, I was half asleep on her couch, and don't quite remember what I said, but hopefully I told her what was in my head.