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And the journey continues

Posted by SilverandBlue , 29 May 2014 · 58 views

I had a marathon session with T yesterday. 2 hours, because she wanted me to not have to worry about time, to be able to let my shields down even further so she could get inside and mess with my head.
Okay, she didn't actually mess with my head that's a little dramatic.
Though she did give me a few things to muse over in the next week.
1. All of this is just mud. It will leave a stain, but eventually it fades and nobody notices. I notice, but until I point it out nobody else will.
2. She-who-guards-the-gate won't let me in. She insists I am too little to see what happened. She is in front of the curtain that hides MY memory. T said that maybe she will let me see if I can prove I am strong enough to handle whatever is in there. Hence, the coping skills paper she gave me.
*note* when I say there is she who guards the gate, I am talking about a completely fictional character that I have created, semiconciously. I think she is there because truly I am not ready to know what happened, but don't want to admit it so she is there as my scapegoat. I can blame her for my lack of memory. I know it sounds seriously crazy and psycho. I'm just not ready to give up on creating these people to help myself make sense of the craziness in my head.

It was a good session overall. I ended up curled up on the couch, she even put a blanket over me 😊 knowing that I feel safest on my bed under my blanket.
Funny thing though. I started crying, and she said "it's okay to cry, you can let it out, you are okay." Or something along those line anyway, and I immediately stopped crying. I couldn't cry anymore. It was as though being allowed to cry made me stop crying!
So I have strict instructions not to think about too much of this until next week. This will be difficult because it is constantly on my mind. I am set off by random guys at the store, by my own father, by school bathrooms, and by little boys.
I feel like this week might be better, as I did leave her office much better than when I entered. I think the long session helped a lot with getting to a safe place and completely letting my guards down. I mean, I was half asleep on her couch, and don't quite remember what I said, but hopefully I told her what was in my head.



Hun that is not crazy at all, my friends in high school all decided that my brain is made up of an unknown number of rooms with an unknown number of imaginary people in them and how I was just depended on who was in what room with who. 1 gatekeeper does not make you crazy. 

 

Your T sounds special, sounds like she really wants to create a safe space for you and build you up so you can show that gatekeeper how strong you truly are. 

 

Maybe being given that safe space made it so that you didn't need to cry anymore, maybe that turned your focus to the here and now and the fact that you were in a safe space with someone who cares about you instead of being focused on the mud or on what ever is behind that gate/curtain. 

 

You are doing so much healing work, I'm proud of you, I'm happy for you :)

 

Something a friend told me about getting something clean once - You have to make a mess to make it clean, it will look like a disaster at first but the dirt and mud will be cleaned away with the mess.

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SilverandBlue
May 30 2014 11:47 AM
Thank you sugar. That is a great analogy about rooms with people in them! That honestly is how I feel sometimes. Like I change at any given moment, but I don't go away. I just shift. I will have to dig a little deeper into the mess that is my head

You're not crazy. I often feel like there are a bunch of kids of varying ages still living inside of me (not like multiple personalities; I'm split, but not that split). Heck, sometimes, they argue with each other. That's not insanity, that's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I'm so glad your T is working with you and helping you so well. Take gentle care.

I used to call my guard the sergeant. I fired him.

Now there's pretty much just me and the little me in there, and he in no hurry to talk.

August 2014

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