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Living Life

Posted by SilverandBlue , 13 May 2014 · 80 views

I haven't been on in a while, mostly because life is SO freakishly busy lately. I have 3 different families that I work regularly for, plus about 3-4 that call me to babysit on weekends so I have been going nonstop for a while. I had to make an emergency appt with T last week. Originally I didn't plan on going in because I just couldn't afford it, but I caved to the horrible Wednesday night I had, freaking out over absolutely nothing and stressing over things that hadn't even happened yet that I texted and begged for an appointment that week.

Being the amazing human being that she is, I got an appt for Friday.
And it was horrible. Not horrible as in unhelpful and bad, horrible as in I ended up curled in a ball on the floor with T next to me trying to get me to stop crying and shaking. I was so stressed and so tired that I couldn't hold it in anymore and just started bawling. I don't even know what it was about, I was just so tired, so overwhelmed and so sad I just fell apart. My appointment ended up going over by a half hour.

And then, the next day, I saw her at the grocery store by my house! I actually panicked and left right then. But I had to get my prescription from the pharmacy so I had to go back in. And walked right past her loading kids and groceries into her car on my way back out. I don't even know why I panicked so badly. I've seen her at the store before and didn't panic half as badly. But that was also at a store closer to her house, and she would have had to drive 20 minutes to get to the store I saw her at this time.
I know I have to bring this up now, and plan on doing so at my next appointment but I am terrified that she will either feel bad for freaking me out, or decide that since we live so close to each other that she can't are me anymore. And if that happens I don't know what I will do!
On the bright side, insurance now covers her! So I will save money!



Sounds like a necessary and successful appointment, like you needed to cry and shake.

Trust the process. This is about what you need, and the healing journey you are on, so reassure yourself that even in the incredibly unlikely event that T quit on you, you can still keep going. You have survived this far. as castellum's icon says, your track record of surviving difficult days is 100%.

Yay for insurance

I agree with Max on this.  I haven't yet been able to cry in front of my T, I spend most of the sessions trying to hold things in.  Believe it or not I actually envy your release in front of your T.  As much as that terrifies me a part of me wants it incredibly badly.   

 

Many folks tell me that without that type of release and without feeling that sadness  or crying that we can't heal.  So as hard as it was I hope that you know that I agree it is a step in the right direction. 

I am with nebulas on this in that I could never cry in front of my T.......... I cannot cry at all so big props to you for being able to do what you needed, even if it felt like it wasnt ok.

 

I ran into my T once at a community event where the Sexual assault center had a booth set up. My little guy went over to her table to play a game they had out. I tried to say Hi to her and she just winked at me. I told her later it would have been ok to say hi back to me but at the time she didn't know that and didn't want to make the assumption. Is the only time I have run into her. Idon't think she even lives in the immediate area.

 

And OMG YEAH for insurance!!!

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SilverandBlue
May 14 2014 11:49 AM
I have always felt comfortable to cry in front of her, I guess she is just a comfy person... The problem comes when I try to tell her what's in my head and it won't come out. A few times I've written her a letter an once an email, but to do that regularly would feel like such an annoyance. I already feel like I'm the most annoying brat in the world 😭
Thank you all for your lovely comments! It makes me feel less alone

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