Some progress and T
This is HARD! It took me a year to get to the point of being able to write it out for her and now I have a week to draw it? EEEK!
Fortunately, I had a good, calm spell today and got some done. Quite proud of myself, really. I get scared and overwhelmed when I try to draw the whole picture so I just started with the top of the desk. Cut a paper into smaller squares so there' s less space to fill and just drew the pattern I was looking at. Then took another square and drew another small piece, though I couldn't finish it and blacked a lot of it out. I just don't want to face what I did. That it was me that did it. And I drew myself or at least the back of my head because that's what I see. And the scariest was drawing what I see right before it all goes blank. That is a complicated scene, and dark, so I also didn't finish that one. And for some reason, there's another one too, which I honestly don't know what it is...! I drew it, I remember drawing it and all, but don't know why I did.
Also, the urge to call T has been slightly less. This is the first weekend after an appointment that I haven't called!
But really, my last appointment was scary. They have been lately. T has been having to almost start the session sitting next to me on the couch I start to go downhill so fast. She always notices when I start to go bye bye and moves to sit next to me and hold my hand or put her hands on my knees. I can handle that, but she also moves her hand further up my leg,and that freaks me out and I always pull away when she does that. I just can't handle touch above my knees, or below my arms. My back is fine, and she did rub my back when I as curled up trying to block out all the noise and calm myself down. But my legs or hips? That just freaks the crap out of me! My physical therapist had to work on my hips, and my bum, and that I could barely handle. I only could because she always talked and talked and it distracted me enough to not panic.
I should tell her I suppose, because everytime she does that, I freeze, and that's not really a good reaction.