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Absolutely wiped out. Absolutely and completely.

Posted by SilverandBlue , 29 March 2014 · 170 views

I did a LOT today. I feel like I haven't stopped since 7am this morning and it is now almost 2 in the morning. I've been awake almost 19 hours straight!
I picked up a friend from the airport at 9am, didn't get home till after 11, then made cookies, and at noon, T called, and wanted to push my appointment back to 1pm instead of 12:30. That was fine, I could tell she was under stress and it didn't affect me at all to bump it out by that much. So I went to T, and brought her cookies :) because it helps ease the guilt that I still feel even though I pay her a ton already. She was so delighted, and conspired to keep them away from her kids so she could eat them all :D That was a good start of session.
I've been feeling really tired but wide awake lately. Exhausted, but unable to sleep. My brain won't shut up. it won't shut down and stop analyzing everything I see, hear, smell and feel. I have been listening to piano music at night to give my brain something to analyze so I can sleep.
Anyway, went into T very tired, drifty, and prone to shutting down completely. I was getting so overwhelmed by sounds and smells that my brain just wasn't filtering it anymore and I could almost not cope with it. I ended up drifting about, not really able to concentrate on one thing, and trying not to think or listen to anything. She noticed right away that I was pretty much gone and starting to regress, especially when the pain came back and I told her. She just came and sat next to me, tried (with little sucess) to get me to relax and stop panicking. At this point, I was in full flashback mode,and I was in the dark with the pain. I could sense he was there and was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. I practically dove off the couch and curled up in a ball on the floor, to get away, to get somewhere safer. T (at some point, the details, timing etc are all a bit fuzzy) came and just put her arms around me and sat there, holding me like that, repeating over and over that I was safe, she was there and listing off everything good about me that she could think of (this, I have no idea what the point was. I wasn't in a "I'm a bad person" mood. I was a terrified little girl. She asked me how old I was,I almost said 7, then corrected myself. I am 19, not 7. I came out of it and was very embarassed that I had reacted as such. T of course wasn't at all put off. Apparently she has a couple other patients going through the same thing. I don't know if that's comforting or a confideniality breach. Either way, at least I know she is very used to adults acting like children. Good to know. The short bit of the hour that was left, she still sat on the couch with me, both of us sitting sideways so we were facing each other. She had even expected me to say that I was only 7 or 8 when she asked my age. Good thing I caught myself. I am not a child, no matter how much I wish it!
Okay, so after that intensive hour, I left and went to my sister's house to help her out for a bit. She has a newborn and 3 other kids so she has been having a rough go of it. I made dinner and cookies with my nieces, and left from there to go straight to work. I worked until 1am, and it took me a good 45 minutes to get home. -sigh- A loong day. And I work at 10am tomorrow!
I seem to write a lot about my T and appointments with her. That is foremost in my mind usually. I have been going there, doing a whole lot of trying to get to the bottom of the fear, and change it somehow and it ends up taking a LOT of mental space and energy. I am glad my hours of work are lessened and variable. I need the break and space and time to try to cope. It seems that the more work I do in T, the harder it gets to cope outside of T. I keep wanting to cry, to break down and sob and sob. And I do sometimes. But nobody ever knows. I go and hide it, and nobody knows. So my mom will be shocked if T follows through on her threat to call and explain what I'm going through to her. She can't do that! Mom thinks I'm fine and it's going to stay that way! Or mom will think I'm exagerating it for attention, because she never sees it. But that's because home isn't a safe place to let it happen.
Ugh ugh. I'm gonna go to bed now. And get some sleep before work in the morn.

Be kind to yourself. I have had similar experiences. I am in my 40's and it terrifies me when it happens. I find it very painful. I think the fact that you remembered you were 19 is amazing. It speaks to me of great mental strength and courage. My T has had to remind me of my age- she has to ground me. I have never been able to bring myself out like you did, she has to do it for me (and boy- that hurts- really, really hurts!!). You sound like you are trying to distract yourself, exhaust yourself. If you can, try setting aside just a few minutes a day where you can just sit and be. Just let your mind go. Float on a calm sea. Let whatever thoughts come, come. Try not to chase them or analyse them or judge them. Take gentle care, Mand.
Mar 30 2014 01:04 AM

Thank you mand. I do occasionally get in so deep that she has to pull me out,but that's only happened maybe twice.

I hope you ca get to the point of bringing yourself back. It sounds (according to your blog) that you are working hard and have a great T. Keep it up!

July 2016

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