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Too many unknowns

Posted by SilverandBlue , 21 March 2014 · 121 views

I only have a few solid memories. I have a lot of drifty, fuzzy, silent images and blackness with emotion and feeling or sound, but very little perfect little clips like that of a video. All I have solid memory of is one of the worst parts. I won't go into detail, but the clip has image, sound, I remember what it felt like, and I remember smell and it's all in sync. I have some feeling of being on the floor, but that's only because of the smell and feel, there's not really images or sound. I remember sitting in the bathroom against the wall, because I can see my legs and feel the wall and tile floor. It's cold.
But then, there is some with no image. There is blackness, after whatever happened happened. And sudden pain. Pain that makes me draw my knees to my chest when I think about it. I don't know what position I am in when I feel the pain. There's just pain in the very bottom of my stomach, possibly not even my stomach, but below it. Spreading to my back. I think at some point I was on my back, but that's just kind of a feeling, nothing solid.
But here's the thing. It doesn't make sense. If this was at school, how? There really was a lot of monitoring, I remember. Especially this boy was on close watch, my Teacher said when I asked later. So maybe I was first? I don't know. How could I have been hurt, with ABSOLUTELY NO MARKS OR ANYONE KNOWING? How?? My mom would have known if there were physical marks, like bruises. At that point, she was still giving me baths, so she would have seen something bad. So it wasn't overly violent. Or at least enough to leave bruises in any suspicious places. My knees, legs having bruises was nothing, I was always running around outside, being a kid. But where did that pain come from?
-As much as I hate to try and find an equivalent, I have found one. Trigger for TMI possibly, females will understand this-
It was similar to if I put a tampon in wrong. Times about 100
Ok, ok. I have just admitted what kind of pain it was, what does that mean? I don't even know if boys that age know about that kind of thing!!
And now, my body is actually physically a few years younger than I am chronologically. I am 19, but my 12 year molars are just now coming in. I got a bone density scan when I got my hips and legs x-rayed, and my bone age is that of a 16 year old. My cycles are not regular even yet, and I didn't get my first until a year ago. Emotionally, I react to stress as a child. I do have the capabilities of an adult, but it is hard to do so. I fall into a childish pattern often.
I have a leg length discrepancy of an inch. It's always been there, I remember wondering why my shorts were always longer on one side as a child. My PT asked if I had had a serious fall, or been hit somewhere on the hip, knee, or something that caused damage to the growth plates in my legs. I don't remember anything, neither does my mom. But something caused my right leg to grow a lot slower than my left, and to stop growing early.
There is all this...stuff that is going on now, making me look deeper into what I got up to as a child, and making me realize I don't remember much at all. That scares me. A LOT.

July 2016

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