Current State of the Union
This is long, I apologize in advance. This is for my own mental organization
I've been doing some thinking… I seem to do a lot of that lately. Lots of late night car drives just lost in thought, lots of evenings with headphones in curled around stuffed animals. I have an appointment with T on Thursday, and I'm a little bit scared. I'm afraid I'm going to cry again. I'm dealing with a lot of things right now. I'm going to list everything, just to see it with my own eyes and evaluate how I'm going to deal:
-My grandma's health has taken a serious nosedive. She is barely alive and we (as in the family) are just waiting for her to pass. It sounds heartless, but really this has been coming for a couple of weeks. Double cancer does that to a person and she is 87 years old.
- My dad finally got the lumps taken off his head and the biopsy results come back tomorrow, hopefully negative for lymphoma.
- My sister in law had her baby boy, healthy and doing well, though she is still dealing with complications.
- Another sister in law also had her baby girl. Big girl thankfully, but in the NICU with a lung infection (pneumonia?) and jaundiced. She is breathing with the help of a ventilator. It breaks my heart to see her with so many tubes and wires attached to her.
- My darling little cousin is fading quickly after a 4 year battle with leukemia. She was in remission for a year but it came back and now she is terminal.
- I got a notice in the mail. My license will be suspended in a month because of a ticket I got a month ago. (my own fault, I admit. I sent the payment in, but I wonder if it got lost or didn't get in on time) I can't lose my license. I’m a nanny!
Ok, now let me list some good things! I have to see both sides here:
- I filed my tax return. It is a nice amount and will save my butt!
- My niece was so sweet with grandma. She held her hand, kissed her cheek and said "I made her all better didn't I mommy?" She is such a dear.
- The fact that I have such gloriously adorable nieces and nephews is something amazing in itself. I love them all to bits and it lifts my spirits so much to see them so excited to see their auntie.
- At least my newest nephew is healthy and a chunk
- I got a pay raise!
- My cousin (the one with cancer) is being such a brave soul about her diagnosis and death sentence. To quote: "Don't be sad blue, I'll be in heaven with god soon" I cried so hard at this.
- I have a lovely, caring boyfriend! and lovely friends and family.
- Newest niece will be okay, she is resilient and fighting hard. Will hopefully be off the ventilator and holdable tomorrow!
Life is a mix of sad and happy right now. Loved ones are dying, and babies are being born at the same time. Though I have a couple of people close to me that will be gone soon, I know they will be better off when they finally go. They are in pain, and I want their pain to end.
I really have been acting like a child lately. I sleep with stuffed animals, I color, and I hide from anger and darkness. I want to curl up and cry, I want my mom to hold me on her lap. I want to be comforted and told that everything will be ok. My chest hurts for little one who is still hurt. I can feel her pain and it hurts. It is a physical pain, and all I can do is hold myself because I can't ask for comfort and hide the pain from those who can help. I cry in bed at night and in she shower. I don't let people see because I can't be a burden. I am she who is always happy and have to stay that way. People worry otherwise and I can't handle concern and kindness.
And at the same time; I need to help the little one. She still hurts. She was never helped and I'm struggling to help her myself. I hold my little nieces and nephews and crying children and cry with them. I am an overly empathetic person. So much so that I overcompensate to hide it and mask it to the point that I show little emotion. When it becomes too much I run and hide and cry alone. The worst thing is for someone to see me crying, and I don't allow it on purpose. I can't go visit grandma, because she is 90% gone, and to see my beloved grandma like that is just too much. It hurts. I saw her when she was still able to swallow and that was hard enough. I cried the whole way home. I cried for a good hour last night. Holding my stuffed dog and telling little one she was safe, she was loved and nothing bad was going to happen. It's ok, it's ok little one. You are safe now. I will hold you and keep you away from him. I will keep you safe.
I don't get it. I am not DID. I am not dis-integrated. I am a whole person, yet I have this young part of me that cries and wants holding and comfort. And I can't get it for her. I can't ask mom, because that's just awkward. Sometimes, I turn into her, I revert into a child and act like such but I come out of it and act adult again. I'm really scared for T on Thursday. I don't want to drift, I don't want to hurt like I always do when I dwell in silence. I will cry and want to be held and comforted, and if she does hold me, I will like it too much, and become too attached. But if she doesn't, I will cry and hurt and feel so awful. Maybe I should cancel. I don't know how to deal with this!