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Confusion, regret, shame and anger

Posted by SilverandBlue , 22 February 2014 · 135 views

I've been rather lost in thought these past few days. A swirling mass of memories, sound and pain. 
-Pain, because I'm working through a leg length discrepancy, and adjusting to being level is surprisingly painful-
I see anyone who even remotely resembles him, or a male that has the same attitude, and I panic. I get short of breath and hide. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm so tired of hiding. And yet, When I saw my T at the store yesterday, I panicked and hid. (My friend with me was all for going and saying hi, but I was not about to do that!!) 
I see pictures of myself in 2nd grade, and I feel nothing. That girl isn't me. It is, but it isn't. I don't get it. It's all so confusing, I know that is me, it was ME that was hurt. But it wasn't. It can't have been, I'm not that stupid. 
I dwell on my thoughts too long and I start to cry. I regret letting it out. I should have kept it buried instead of feeling this way. Shame. I am disgusting and dirty to allow that to have happened. 
This thought won't leave my head: "she was hurt, he hurt her and I let it happen"
Why is this happening now??? Aaarghh!


All these thoughts and feelings make sense to you. I'm sorry this is all so painful. It is so hard to deal with these overwhelming feelings. I'm thinking of you.
Feb 25 2014 12:42 AM

Thank you susanna. I appreciate your thoughts :)

July 2015

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