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Confusion, regret, shame and anger

Posted by SilverandBlue , 22 February 2014 · 135 views

I've been rather lost in thought these past few days. A swirling mass of memories, sound and pain. 
-Pain, because I'm working through a leg length discrepancy, and adjusting to being level is surprisingly painful-
I see anyone who even remotely resembles him, or a male that has the same attitude, and I panic. I get short of breath and hide. I don't want to hide anymore. I'm so tired of hiding. And yet, When I saw my T at the store yesterday, I panicked and hid. (My friend with me was all for going and saying hi, but I was not about to do that!!) 
I see pictures of myself in 2nd grade, and I feel nothing. That girl isn't me. It is, but it isn't. I don't get it. It's all so confusing, I know that is me, it was ME that was hurt. But it wasn't. It can't have been, I'm not that stupid. 
I dwell on my thoughts too long and I start to cry. I regret letting it out. I should have kept it buried instead of feeling this way. Shame. I am disgusting and dirty to allow that to have happened. 
This thought won't leave my head: "she was hurt, he hurt her and I let it happen"
 
Why is this happening now??? Aaarghh!



:metoyou:

All these thoughts and feelings make sense to you. I'm sorry this is all so painful. It is so hard to deal with these overwhelming feelings. I'm thinking of you.
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SilverandBlue
Feb 25 2014 12:42 AM

Thank you susanna. I appreciate your thoughts :)

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