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T today...and my emotional rollercoaster

Posted by SilverandBlue , 13 February 2014 · 84 views

I have never not wanted to go to T before. But this week I was terrified to go. I knew I was going to shut down again, I knew t was going to be painful because I had more for her to read. At first, I was fine, but then, started to disappear. again. I just left. T asked me something,I didn't hear her or respond. I hardly remember the appointment, except near the end, because the thought popped into my head "he hurt her, and nobody did anything, even me, I didn't do anything about it, I let it happen." and " she wanted comfort so badly, she wanted someone to hold her and tell her she was safe, she was ok and wasn't going to be hurt again" and I started crying.
When I say she,I mean mysef as a child. I'm still working on fully comprehending that it was me in those memories and not someone else.
She was hurt so badly, she was scared and wanted to tell. But she was afraid that she would get in trouble, because she had been bad and mom and dad don't like it when their kids are bad. She just wanted her mom to hold her and comfort her like moms do, but couldn't get that because she couldn't tell.
And now, I want to be comforted when I am feeling so bad. I want to be held like a child but I don't want to ask my mom for that. It would be so awkward. T told me after I was done crying (she didn't kick me out right after the hour was up, I was there an extra 15 minutes today) that when she saw me on the couch, crying that the mom inside of her wanted to pull me onto her lap and comfort me, because she thought that I needed that, I needed a mom. Which I already have, but I don't have a super close relationship with her. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and know that she loves me the most in the entire world. I know that if I told her everything, she would completely break down and hug me without my even asking. She has that in her, and has always comforted me when I'm upset and can tell that I'm upset,but I can't break down and just tell her. Again,it is my fault that I'm hurting. It was orignally,and still is. I'm just stuck and don't know how to ask for emotional support.

July 2015

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