So yeah. I have no idea what is going on.
-I have an amazing boyfriend, and he makes me giggle because he does things that are just so darn cute
-My memory of 2-8th grade is so screwed up, what is real and what is not??
-today in therapy. Loong story. Very bad session and I wanted to hide but couldn't
-like wtf is up with my PT not getting back to me after 2 weeks?? does she hate me??
-my grandma and brother now both have cancer. and now my dad might. wonderful.
-mad at myself for acting like a baby in T today, mad that I hurt, mad that I might lose beloved family members. mad that people seem to be so annoyed at me right now.
Let's see if now I can translate and put it all together. This is for my own sanity and mental well-being
I have an amazing therapist, let's start there. I usually don't have a problem with her, but today was so bad that i want to just curl up and bawl. it felt like such a waste of a perfectly good hour! I realize she has kids and is dealing with them, and I honestly understand, and it has never bothered me before, but today I wished her kids would settle down and go to sleep!!
Like seriously, she makes me hot cocoa when I come in all shivery from something, is so patient with me, and seems to truly understand. So why does it randomly seem like she is annoyed at me?! Today especially, I think I really freaked her out, and she doesn't get freaked out! And she didn't tell me to "hang in there, kiddo" as I left, which is a small thing, but still comforting, weirdly enough. I think she was distracted today by the new therapist for her kids upstairs. I can't blame her for that.
Also, I got a text today informing me that lumps had been found on my dad's head that are possibly cancerous. This means immediate removal and biopsy. I can't deal with MORE cancer! my brother already is dealing with lung cancer, and my grandma with liver cancer. I can't lose even more family members either! Besides, I don't know what my aunt would do if grandma died. Her sister just committed sui this last summer and that was hard to deal with.
So these recent memories, are they real? are they just made up? I don't know, but if what I thought was a one time thing was actually a long term, multiple years thing I will DIE. Mostly from the absolute embarassment of it.
Just overwhelmed right now. Going to yogify and call C. He can always comfort me