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Learning not to Remember



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Imploding

Posted by SilverandBlue , 31 July 2014 · 180 views

Everything is happening all at once! It feels like my world is imploding and someone must really hate me.
Insurance again will not cover T. They let me go 9 sessions with her, where I only paid the copay. Then sent her notice that she isn't in network. When she was just a couple months ago!!
So I am responsible for the bill for 9 appts. Woohoo. T is not...


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I can not sleep

Posted by SilverandBlue , 28 July 2014 · 174 views

I actually am getting afraid of sleep. It seems all it brings lately is weird dreams.
Not nightmares per se, just weird. Dreams that, while I'm dreaming I think I am wide awake and living my life, and the things I'm doing are very normal, everything is normal, but when I wake up I realize it didn't happen because the timing is not right.
I don't know ho...


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Ooh, what a mess (trigger for ED)

Posted by SilverandBlue , 24 July 2014 · 289 views

I had T today, and made quite a fool of myself I fear. The things most on my mind were my cousin's recent hospitalization for an eating disorder and hearing the phrase: " oh, such a lucky girl!" Trigger warning for ED and potential other random things.
We discussed my cousin for a little bit, mostly I wanted to know how worried I should be, and turns out...


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The good and the bad

Posted by SilverandBlue , 21 July 2014 · 173 views

The good: PT finally got back to me today!! She is getting shoulder surgery in November but will fit me in if something opens up meanwhile 😄
Happy days!! The pain will go away soon hopefully!

The bad: T has gotten busy. She has no openings on Wednesday except 6pm, and I work at 6pm 😒
While I'm glad her schedule is busier and people are...


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Physical pain

Posted by SilverandBlue , 21 July 2014 · 162 views

I have a leg length discrepancy of an inch, my bones on one side either stopped growing too early or didn't grow fast enough it my grown plates were damaged. Either way, it leaves the same thing. PAIN. Imagine being constantly on a slant. One hip is higher than the other, my spine has started to curve already and I'm only 19!

I have a physical therapist...


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Lithium and pillows

Posted by SilverandBlue , 18 July 2014 · 218 views

That's what I took away from today's session with T. Lithium and pillows. It sounds odd, so I will try to explain. It was mostly a good session today.

See, T has another patient that apparently has the same behavior pattern as I. Extreme anxiety about specific things, horrible memory, always losing things, always getting traffic tickets and into accident...


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Owitch!

Posted by SilverandBlue , 16 July 2014 · 217 views

I have had quite a day today. Dentist in the morn, which I was late for. I have tooth problems, as I eat far too much sugar. So I got 2 teeth worked on today, and lately I haven't been numbing very well. The last time, they had to redo the novocaine 3 times! The third one was the strongest one they had, and they put it as close to the nerve as they safely...


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Set off so easily *potential trigger*

Posted by SilverandBlue , 14 July 2014 · 206 views

I put a trigger warning just in case because I never know what I'm going to write, and today's mood is kind of triggers anyway...
I struggle to hear others talk about anything even remotely sexual. Or read what others write about it. So, even being on pandys and reading entries about horrific assaults and rapes just sends me into a downward spiral.

I do...


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Shudder *trigger*

Posted by SilverandBlue , 11 July 2014 · 201 views

As I lay in bed last night, and not even my own bed so I couldn't curl into the crevice between the wall and the bed to hide. I just got hit with the most unbelievable wave of self loathing and horrible sadness. No warning, no real trigger. Just all at once.

The images from 2nd grade started playing again, and I couldn't stop wondering why the heck I fe...


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Nice calming appointment

Posted by SilverandBlue , 09 July 2014 · 120 views

I was worried about today, considering the cringingly honest email I sent, but it was a good appt. I was in a very jittery, childlike mood and ended up laying on the couch. T was in a very good mood, and so was I. I had my stuffed dog, and was manipulating the face into different shapes and giggling. T was on the couch with me today, and giggling right al...






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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.