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Learning not to Remember



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Lots and lots of analysis

Posted by SilverandBlue , 31 March 2014 · 123 views

I analyze everything I do. I can't help it, it's just like my brain does it of it's own accord. So I've been doing a lot of that lately and have discovered a few things:
 
1. I am DESPERATELY seeking comfort and attention. I need to be held, cuddled and comforted like a child because I wasn't as a child. I wasn't comforted after I was hurt, there was...


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Connecting emotion, thought and dreams

Posted by SilverandBlue , 30 March 2014 · 170 views

I had a very odd exprience this week. I have to explain it in two parts:
 
I had a very irritating dream maybe 4 nights ago. I was in T's office, it was mostly all the same. I was on the end of the couch, looking at the place I usually sit, on the other end of the couch. There was a little girl on the floor where my feet normally would be, facin...


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Absolutely wiped out. Absolutely and completely.

Posted by SilverandBlue , 29 March 2014 · 169 views

I did a LOT today. I feel like I haven't stopped since 7am this morning and it is now almost 2 in the morning. I've been awake almost 19 hours straight!
I picked up a friend from the airport at 9am, didn't get home till after 11, then made cookies, and at noon, T called, and wanted to push my appointment back to 1pm instead of 12:30. That was fine, I coul...


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I have never been afraid of the Dentist. Or the Doctor!

Posted by SilverandBlue , 27 March 2014 · 118 views

I had a 2 hour long dentist appointment today. I know, I know, it's pathetic for a 19 year old to need a crown. But hey, better than a root canal. Or, maybe not actually. At least with a root canal they knock you out completely. With a crown, they just novocaine the crap out of half your face and so you sit there feling the vibrations of each drill. and t...


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Sunshine and Volleyballs

Posted by SilverandBlue , 23 March 2014 · 153 views

The weather was GORGEOUS today. So I went with a group of friends to a park to play some volleyball and frisbee. There were maybe 40 of us there, all wandering around and throwing frisbees, volleyballs and footballs around. It was the first volleyball day of the season, and volleyball is popular within the group I hang out with. (I am blessed to have many...


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Too many unknowns

Posted by SilverandBlue , 21 March 2014 · 121 views

I only have a few solid memories. I have a lot of drifty, fuzzy, silent images and blackness with emotion and feeling or sound, but very little perfect little clips like that of a video. All I have solid memory of is one of the worst parts. I won't go into detail, but the clip has image, sound, I remember what it felt like, and I remember smell and it's a...


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The pain

Posted by SilverandBlue , 21 March 2014 · 137 views

It seems whenever I lose myself in memories, bad memories, I hurt. My stomach hurts, like I've been punched. My head hurts (too much mental exertion?) But what worries me is the stomach pain. It's not the pain you get when you are worried, that clenching of muscles. Well, maybe a bit, but it's lower down, not so much my stomach as further down. I don't ev...


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T tomorrow, after the fatal letter...

Posted by SilverandBlue , 18 March 2014 · 165 views

I genuinely am getting anxious for my appt tomorrow morning. I usually don't, but now she's read my letter, and while she sounded okay with it, even glad that I sent it, I can't stop shaking and circling in on myself, endlessly worrying if tomorrow, she will be different.
I had a nice break while out of state, I hardly thought about him at all, my mind wa...


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It was all fine!

Posted by SilverandBlue , 13 March 2014 · 168 views

I had an appt with T last week, and didn't feel like I got a whole lot done. So I called her after being completely freaked out at the store, and that wasn't real helpful either. So then I wrote her a letter and sent it a couple days ago. Completely forgot by then what was in it because I wrote it and sealed it. She texted me yesterday after reading it, I...


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The waves just keep coming

Posted by SilverandBlue , 08 March 2014 · 162 views

Overly emotional post, just warning you! Trigger to those who get overwhelmed by uncontrollable sadness and desperation and feelings of complete despair.
 
Well, I keep messing things up. I got all upset at my T, and almost humg up on her, and feel horrible about it. My grandma is gone, I am having a hard time dealing with little boys right now and h...






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