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Learning not to Remember



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Anxiety settles in

Posted by SilverandBlue , 19 June 2014 · 67 views

I have T tomorrow. I want to barf. I want to cry. And I want to shut off and escape reality. I do NOT want to tell her these things. I know exactly how she will respond.
"What do you think brought this on?"
I dunno
"I bet you do"
Thinking, thinking
Yes, I do know why. It's because I have this freaking video stuck on repeat in my head, I can't stop it...


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T today...weird.

Posted by SilverandBlue , 12 June 2014 · 57 views

I seem to be obsessed with writing about my appointments with my therapist. Oh well, it's good to get it out and process afterwards!
Today's session was weird. Quite god and forgiveness oriented, which wasn't that huge a deal in itself; I am Christian, and if T isn't she sure acts like one. But anyway, for some reason, T thinks I have huge issues with for...


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How it works

Posted by SilverandBlue , 08 June 2014 · 48 views

I don't think I've ever been able to explain my brain patterns to anyone. I know how I work, but when it comes to explaining a thought or how I came to a conclusion, action or pattern I can't explain it even though the answer is right there in my head! It just won't go from my language to English.
I don't hear music. I feel, absorb, analyze and see music...


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And the journey continues

Posted by SilverandBlue , 29 May 2014 · 53 views

I had a marathon session with T yesterday. 2 hours, because she wanted me to not have to worry about time, to be able to let my shields down even further so she could get inside and mess with my head.
Okay, she didn't actually mess with my head that's a little dramatic.
Though she did give me a few things to muse over in the next week.
1. All of this is...


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I have a chance

Posted by SilverandBlue , 24 May 2014 · 30 views

I have had quite a week. Really struggled with keeping myself present and sane. I work with kids, so sanity is a must!
Anyway, it has just been one thing after another all week. I have been having awful nightmares, one where someone tried to kill me (that one kept me up all night) and the same old "hiding under the table" one where I am terrified hiding...


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Craziness *TW

Posted by SilverandBlue , 19 May 2014 · 64 views

I can't seem to move past it. The images and memories I mean (Trigger warning!)
I can see only a wall of black, but I know something, someone is behind it. What they are doing I also think I know but am not quite ready to confront that just yet. It's too disgusting, horrible and revolting for me to think about. I can feel it, and hear it but not see anyt...


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Aaahh, good T appointment today

Posted by SilverandBlue , 16 May 2014 · 58 views

I really was not looking forward to today. I saw T at the grocery store last week and it FREAKED me out. Since I was quite sure she had seen me too, I knew I had to talk to her about it, especially considering my rather violent reaction.
Number 1, she hadn't seen me. That is good, and I am relieved. She wasn't even weirded out by it. She said that it's b...


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Living Life

Posted by SilverandBlue , 13 May 2014 · 50 views

I haven't been on in a while, mostly because life is SO freakishly busy lately. I have 3 different families that I work regularly for, plus about 3-4 that call me to babysit on weekends so I have been going nonstop for a while. I had to make an emergency appt with T last week. Originally I didn't plan on going in because I just couldn't afford it, but I c...


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More therapy and treatments

Posted by SilverandBlue , 03 May 2014 · 47 views

I got lucky and was able to have T 2 weeks in a row! Lately it seems all my appointments have been going in a certain pattern: I get there, and we do the idle chit chat thing for the first 15-20 minutes, then I lapse into silence, and drift away where nobody can get to me. She always ends up sitting next to me on the couch, even before I start to go downh...


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Some progress and T

Posted by SilverandBlue , 27 April 2014 · 34 views

I got some homework from T this week, to do until my next appointment. I have to draw what I see when I think about it. However I can, whenever I can, doesn't matter what it looks like.
This is HARD! It took me a year to get to the point of being able to write it out for her and now I have a week to draw it? EEEK!
 
Fortunately, I had a good, calm sp...






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