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eighth blog (TW)

Posted by belovedmercy , 06 August 2014 · 209 views

Oh no. It has happened again. EMDR seems to be working but oh. my. goodness. all of these memories that come out the darkness are starting to take their toll. Today, a memory of being raped and watching this man I don't know walk out the door appeared. So many details to the memory - that's the science behind the fact that they are real memories and not just made up ones. There were people in the house - just downstairs as this was happening to me at 10 years old. Which means it was probably happening earlier than that. But to think that at least one of my parents was downstairs hanging out with their friends while I was being raped by one of their friends - just freaks me out. How did they let this happen to me? Did one of them make an arrangement and let this guy rape me? How many times has this happened? How many people? 
My therapist said she was so thankful for dissociation because if I had remembered or truly felt what was happening to me as a young child there would have been no way I could have survived. For me, I am torn. Because I don't remember, I find it hard to accept and reconcile with what I do remember or what I told myself about my childhood. But then, I am thankful that I didn't remember being "sold" or given to men or penetrated by them. The weird thing - and another reason why my therapist says they are real memories - is the stuff that happens in my body while doing the EMDR process. Like, the tightness in my lower zone while experiencing this new image. Or the pain in my stomach as I see their faces. 
This all just sucks. I had told myself that my childhood before my stepfather was okay. Just had a crazy brother who was physical and extremely mean. How wrong I was! No one in my family will ever admit to any of this so once again I find myself struggling to accept these memories as truth. Would I make this all up? Would I remember what I remember during this sessions if it was made up? I guess I just don't want to see my mom as a part of the monster that controlled my life. She was probably just as out of control as I was - but she was still the adult. Why didn't she stop these horrible things from happening to me. And why didn't they happen to my sister? What did I do to deserve to be treated like this? Why doesn't she love me like she loves my brother, sister, and stepdad? How could she ever blame me for not wanting her in my life? I'm not even sure I want my dad in my life anymore after all of this stuff that has come out in my mind.
I feel lost. Like my childhood has been ripped away all over again. Like maybe there's no way for me to ever accept all of this as reality. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm so sorry. It's bad enough when you have memories, but to realize the depth of the betrayal makes it almost unbearable. I don't know what to say that will make this better, but I'm glad you're able to get some help. You deserve it. Sitting with you.

July 2016

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