During the hellish years of growing up - I never thought my mom would turn her back on me. I always thought she'd be the person to fight for me and love me when the world told me I was worthless. Then nine years ago (anniversary is in a few days), the truth came out about my life and she turned her back on me. She chose him. She left me in the hospital's inpatient psych ward - alone and scared. She never visited. She called once just be sure of what I had told the social worker. She told me that I had ruined her life and she hung up the phone.
I'm struggling today with my very real yearning for my mother. When I'm having flashbacks and can't stop thinking about my growing up years, all I want is for my mom to hold me while I cry. Tell me it's going to be okay. I want her to be strong for me. I want my mom to tell me she loves me and is sorry for all the bad but that the bad is over now and she is here with me. I want my mom to call me on my birthday. I want my mom to visit me and love me. I want my mom to love me. I often times wonder if she ever did.
Maybe she was just too young, too broken, too naïve to be a parent. She was definitely someone trying to find love from different men. I don't remember all of them...just some. I don't know if my choice not to have her in my life has hurt her. But how do you keep someone in your life who stays married to the person who hurt you as a young child? I am a grown up now. I am no longer a little, helpless child. I had to make choices that were best for my sanity. I can't lay down without feeling him on me. How do you stay connected to a person who loves that ghost?
I miss my mom. Nine years is a long time and our relationship was broken even longer before that due to the abuse I endured for so many years.
(okay, I better go as I now feel the need to SI and need to get ready for class tonight so that will help distract me....hopefully.)