Jump to content


fifth blog

Posted by belovedmercy , 04 February 2014 · 182 views

I realize I've been away from the forums during the holidays and until now as my birthday passed. I spent my birthday weekend lying in bed sick with the flu. my mother spent my birthday in Florida with my stepfather. see - my birthday will forever be overshadowed by his birthday as it is the day before my own. how does one celebrate their life when one of the main people who tried to destroy her celebrates his own at the same time? every year, I'm reminded how much she loves him. she makes no attempts to contact me. I've kinda brought that upon myself I guess. As she spends my birthday with him I can't help but wonder if she thinks of me. If she looks at him and wonders if I'm telling the truth. Is my birthday the one day in the year when she regrets choosing him?
During the hellish years of growing up - I never thought my mom would turn her back on me. I always thought she'd be the person to fight for me and love me when the world told me I was worthless. Then nine years ago (anniversary is in a few days), the truth came out about my life and she turned her back on me. She chose him. She left me in the hospital's inpatient psych ward - alone and scared. She never visited. She called once just be sure of what I had told the social worker. She told me that I had ruined her life and she hung up the phone.
I'm struggling today with my very real yearning for my mother. When I'm having flashbacks and can't stop thinking about my growing up years, all I want is for my mom to hold me while I cry. Tell me it's going to be okay. I want her to be strong for me. I want my mom to tell me she loves me and is sorry for all the bad but that the bad is over now and she is here with me. I want my mom to call me on my birthday. I want my mom to visit me and love me. I want my mom to love me. I often times wonder if she ever did.
Maybe she was just too young, too broken, too naïve to be a parent. She was definitely someone trying to find love from different men. I don't remember all of them...just some. I don't know if my choice not to have her in my life has hurt her. But how do you keep someone in your life who stays married to the person who hurt you as a young child? I am a grown up now. I am no longer a little, helpless child. I had to make choices that were best for my sanity. I can't lay down without feeling him on me. How do you stay connected to a person who loves that ghost?
I miss my mom. Nine years is a long time and our relationship was broken even longer before that due to the abuse I endured for so many years.
(okay, I better go as I now feel the need to SI and need to get ready for class tonight so that will help distract me....hopefully.)

Feb 05 2014 02:18 AM

i totally feel ya on being left in the psych ward and mom don't visit or don't call and only calling to confirm what the social worker says. i also have a difficult relationship with my mom, though strained. 9 years is a long time! ...

July 2016

242526272829 30

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.