it's almost time for class but I just have to get this off my chest. I have absolutely lost control in my classes and I feel like I'm going to absolutely fail. Today is the last day I can actually withdraw. I don't think I'm going too. Maybe I'll just try my best to finish strong. But with everything going on, it's just so hard to focus and complete my assignments. I guess part of me knows that this therapy is working but the other part of me feels like my mind is going a million miles a minute and I simply cannot focus on anything!!!! Plus, when I'm let my guard down just a bit, my heart is absolutely flooded with sadness. I wish I could just blow all this away and focus on my homework and get stuff done. But, I simply feel unable to do anything. Like I'm just going through the motions again. I don't want all of this to totally derail my college plans. It's like they're winning again though. I don't know what else to do but shut down and stay in bed all day. I force myself to get up and go to work. I stick with my commitments. It doesn't help that it's the holiday season and I'm all alone...always all alone. I don't know what to do anymore. Right now I want to self-harm...but I won't because that would just be wrong again - and then I'd have to hide it and that's too complicated. Guess I'll put on a smile and head to class - for which I am clearly unprepared. Man, this whole recovery and healing thing really sucks. I hope there's an end to it one day. For now, I just force myself to keep going back.