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second blog

Posted by belovedmercy , 18 November 2013 · 238 views

it's almost time for class but I just have to get this off my chest. I have absolutely lost control in my classes and I feel like I'm going to absolutely fail. Today is the last day I can actually withdraw. I don't think I'm going too. Maybe I'll just try my best to finish strong. But with everything going on, it's just so hard to focus and complete my assignments. I guess part of me knows that this therapy is working but the other part of me feels like my mind is going a million miles a minute and I simply cannot focus on anything!!!! Plus, when I'm let my guard down just a bit, my heart is absolutely flooded with sadness. I wish I could just blow all this away and focus on my homework and get stuff done. But, I simply feel unable to do anything. Like I'm just going through the motions again. I don't want all of this to totally derail my college plans. It's like they're winning again though. I don't know what else to do but shut down and stay in bed all day. I force myself to get up and go to work. I stick with my commitments. It doesn't help that it's the holiday season and I'm all alone...always all alone. I don't know what to do anymore. Right now I want to self-harm...but I won't because that would just be wrong again - and then I'd have to hide it and that's too complicated. Guess I'll put on a smile and head to class - for which I am clearly unprepared. Man, this whole recovery and healing thing really sucks. I hope there's an end to it one day. For now, I just force myself to keep going back.



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unknown3846
Nov 19 2013 12:53 AM

I know how you feel because I am feeling the same way right now. It's like no matter how hard or how long you study..you look down at the pages & realize that you have no idea what you just read. I'm in Paramedic 2, supposed to graduate in May with a degree, & this experience has left me questioning everything. It helps to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this..to realize that there are others out there who feel this way. I'm like you..I hope there's an end to the pain..to this entire process..someday, but right now..that day doesn't seem real.

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