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seventeen

Posted by belovedmercy , 14 March 2015 · 50 views

i just wrote in the self-injury forum. then i took a break to complete the powerpoint for tomorrow's message. that's my role in the church - powerpoint maker. anyway - i started to think....
 
of all the abuse i've been through - of all the fighting to just stay alive - of all the hope i have for the future - why do i still find myself wanting to giv...


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sixteenth entry

Posted by belovedmercy , 15 February 2015 · 57 views

I had one of those moments again. You know? The small space in time where you actually feel like everything is alright and just as it's supposed to be. Looking at the sun reflecting off the snow this afternoon - life was okay. Then, I was scrolling through Instragram and saw pictures that my sister posted. Instragram and Facebook are really the only conne...


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fifteenth entry

Posted by belovedmercy , 11 January 2015 · 63 views

Well...I recently went to Haiti on a dental mission trip. I say this because God opened my heart up to the realness of prayer. I mean, I always kinda understood what prayer was and how it worked. But during this trip, I was used as an intercessor from my "behind the scenes" role at the tool cleaning station. And while it was only one week ago that I retur...


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fourteenth blog

Posted by belovedmercy , 23 November 2014 · 44 views

Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. New Year's. His birthday. My birthday. 
 
All of these stupid days. Back to back. I never get a break. Halloween is just the beginning. It marks the horribleness of the next three months. Christmas music plays on the radio. Stores bring Santa, gift wrap, trees, decorations, and turkeys to meet me at every turn...


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thirteenth blog

Posted by belovedmercy , 02 November 2014 · 102 views

You know what sucks? My sister sends me a random text all ready to make plans for her and my nieces to come visit me. Then, when I try and actually do the planning....she doesn't speak to me. I don't know what it is. I don't know why she can't just commit to a visit. They would all just love if I came out to them but no one dares come visit me. I don't ge...


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twelfth entry - does she think of me

Posted by belovedmercy , 28 October 2014 · 93 views

I wonder what she thinks
when she looks at her wedding ring.
Does it remind her,
does she think of me? 
 
I wonder what she thinks
when she texts him on the phone.
Does it remind her,
does she think of me?
 
I wonder what she thinks
when she lies next to him at night.
Does it remind her,
does she think of me?
 
I wonder what she thinks...


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eleventh entry

Posted by belovedmercy , 22 October 2014 · 66 views

I may have just had my first "real" panic attack. 
 
Leaving class tonight, I was just so done with being picked on by this one girl in particular. She just hates me and to be honest, I kinda hate her too. She's just incredibly disrespectful to me and doesn't value me at all. Thus, the way I feel about her. So, I'm walking out and the tears begi...


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tenth entry

Posted by belovedmercy , 13 October 2014 · 89 views

You know that moment when life is going just fine, you're on your way home, haven't had any major problems this week...and then BAM! you see a firetruck, an ambulance, and paramedics carrying someone out. The scene doesn't look deadly and you hope the person will be okay. But what you're really thinking is how you were once being escorted out into an ambu...


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ninth entry

Posted by belovedmercy , 08 September 2014 · 68 views

Okay, so after my last EMDR session I had to send an email to my dad. I was fairly certain the person in my dreams was not my dad but my therapist kept asking me and I just knew it wasn't. I never got the impression it was him....but I had to make sure. He's been so honest lately, so I sent him a facebook message to ask if he'd ever done anything to mysel...


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eighth blog (TW)

Posted by belovedmercy , 06 August 2014 · 126 views

Oh no. It has happened again. EMDR seems to be working but oh. my. goodness. all of these memories that come out the darkness are starting to take their toll. Today, a memory of being raped and watching this man I don't know walk out the door appeared. So many details to the memory - that's the science behind the fact that they are real memories and not j...






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