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Posted by TrueBlue , 02 January 2014 · 93 views

I disappeared for a while....a long while.  I had to.  What with Christmas and family and stuff like that.  I could't taint my children's, no, my families holiday by being all weirded out and such.  So...I did my thing and locked myself down.  I shut down my thoughts.  Locked away my feelings.  Pushed down my fears, doubts, and tried to keep my OCD under the best control that I could.  I was exhausted.  So much so that I ended up with physical pains.  But this is something I learned to do considering my abuse started when I was little and continued till I was 35. 
I also did something stupid....I'm in conflict regarding it.  I know I shouldn't have.  I knew my husband was right, but I contacted my mother after 6 months of not talking to her.  Not because I love her.  That I don't.  In fact when I think about it, I know I feel absolutely nothing.  When I think of her, only her words and actions are there.  I'm disattached from her.  But I called her.  She went through the whole guilt spiel.  She tried to make me feel bad.  Tried to make me apologize.  I just sat there and listened.  What more could I do? 
When I got done "talking" to her and hung up, I just sat there looking out my window.  I think for the first time, I realized that she'll never be what I want her to be or what I needed her to be.  She made her choice.  There was anger though.  Anger over the fact that I didn't get to choose.  Anger that so much was stolen and I will never ever get it back.
I was born to a woman on a reservation who had anger and drinking issues.  She punished me with water, by drowning me.  She burnt my buttocks with cigarrets.  Arizona state removed me and I was adopted by a young couple.  He was a soldier in the army and she was a woman who stole him from her sister.  She didn't marry him for love, but only for the simple fact he had a stable income.
I don't remember the early abuse.  I was 3 when they got me.  At least the records state that.  I was 5 when I first remembered the abuse.  I told her.  He laughed and told her I was making it up.  I knew by looking in her eyes she believed me, but she chose to ignore it and condone it.  I remember begging her many, many times not to leave me alone with him when she went to those stupid girl scout meetings, but she always did.  I would run and hide, behind chairs, in my closets, under my bed.....he always found me.  Always.
You know what I hate the most?  I remember EVERYTHING he did to me.  I remember the pornos he played on that stupid reel to reel in their bedroom.  I remember EVERYTHING.  EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!  I wish, wish, wish, wish, wish, I didn't.
Thats all now.  I feel a bit ill.

October 2014

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