I also did something stupid....I'm in conflict regarding it. I know I shouldn't have. I knew my husband was right, but I contacted my mother after 6 months of not talking to her. Not because I love her. That I don't. In fact when I think about it, I know I feel absolutely nothing. When I think of her, only her words and actions are there. I'm disattached from her. But I called her. She went through the whole guilt spiel. She tried to make me feel bad. Tried to make me apologize. I just sat there and listened. What more could I do?
When I got done "talking" to her and hung up, I just sat there looking out my window. I think for the first time, I realized that she'll never be what I want her to be or what I needed her to be. She made her choice. There was anger though. Anger over the fact that I didn't get to choose. Anger that so much was stolen and I will never ever get it back.
I was born to a woman on a reservation who had anger and drinking issues. She punished me with water, by drowning me. She burnt my buttocks with cigarrets. Arizona state removed me and I was adopted by a young couple. He was a soldier in the army and she was a woman who stole him from her sister. She didn't marry him for love, but only for the simple fact he had a stable income.
I don't remember the early abuse. I was 3 when they got me. At least the records state that. I was 5 when I first remembered the abuse. I told her. He laughed and told her I was making it up. I knew by looking in her eyes she believed me, but she chose to ignore it and condone it. I remember begging her many, many times not to leave me alone with him when she went to those stupid girl scout meetings, but she always did. I would run and hide, behind chairs, in my closets, under my bed.....he always found me. Always.
You know what I hate the most? I remember EVERYTHING he did to me. I remember the pornos he played on that stupid reel to reel in their bedroom. I remember EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! I wish, wish, wish, wish, wish, I didn't.
Thats all now. I feel a bit ill.