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Holidays and Regrets

Posted by TrueBlue , 07 December 2013 · 182 views

I love winter.  I love winter here, in Sweden.  I love the wind, the dark, the snow, the ice, the candle lit windows as you walk along the streets.  I love seeing people going about their business in their warm, lit, homes.  I love the way the wind bites at my cheeks, the sound of the crunching snow, the glistening of the ice in the moonlight.  I love the smell of warm coffee, the wax of the candles that I have lit, and the smell of winter lingering on our coats and hats.
I love winter.
It's Christmas, Jul, what ever one may call it, depending on where you live, or one's religious beliefs.  I love Christmas.  The colors, the joy, the love, the laughter, the special foods and deserts that only come out around this time of the month.  I love it.  But I also struggle with it.
I find that I can get a bit low.  I can feel so sad and angry.  Agitated and scared.  I get all these mixed up feelings and emotions around this time of the year and I know why.  I have also accepted the truth too - Christmas represents something I have never had - a true, loving, caring, protective family.  I never got to have that, not from the day I was born, not till....Well, I can't say for sure. 

I have two sons, I have a husband.  But I still miss what I have always wanted - a mother.  A father.  I wanted and needed and yearned to be taken cared of.  To be loved.  To be protected.  To be nurtured.  That got stolen from me...Well, wait, it was never mine to begin with....Which of course leads me to other thoughts and questions that just can't be answered.
So, I have this mixture of feelings that I wrangle with and wrestle with.  The Holidays - a mixture of a whole lot of things for me....I'll be here, but I may also be hiding in my pretend world...

The word Bittersweet comes to mind reading you post. I am sorry. Remember that you are a far better parent than yours were. But I know it still hurts, a grief that is for what should have been and wasn't. I know and relate to that.

Are views are different about winter. I don't like it. It feels like the dead season to me. Everything is white and brown, no color, drab and dull. Flowers are gone. My body does not like the cold. And my body tells me so deep within my bones. Just pain.

I was lucky that my Christmas' as a child were good after my mother left the evil stepfather. My Grandma was always there until my mother remarried my dad then for 17 years. Both my Grandma and dad are gone now. My dad's birthday is the 22nd of this month so the holidays are a bit sad for me. I miss them so much and now I spend it with my mother who was not a good mother.

My children have good memories of Christmas. I love the colors of Christmas and the smell of the Christmas tree and the food served during the holidays.

Even so I have feelings of missing something that should have been.

Take good care of you

Thank you =)

July 2015

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