Holidays and Regrets
I love winter.
It's Christmas, Jul, what ever one may call it, depending on where you live, or one's religious beliefs. I love Christmas. The colors, the joy, the love, the laughter, the special foods and deserts that only come out around this time of the month. I love it. But I also struggle with it.
I find that I can get a bit low. I can feel so sad and angry. Agitated and scared. I get all these mixed up feelings and emotions around this time of the year and I know why. I have also accepted the truth too - Christmas represents something I have never had - a true, loving, caring, protective family. I never got to have that, not from the day I was born, not till....Well, I can't say for sure.
I have two sons, I have a husband. But I still miss what I have always wanted - a mother. A father. I wanted and needed and yearned to be taken cared of. To be loved. To be protected. To be nurtured. That got stolen from me...Well, wait, it was never mine to begin with....Which of course leads me to other thoughts and questions that just can't be answered.
So, I have this mixture of feelings that I wrangle with and wrestle with. The Holidays - a mixture of a whole lot of things for me....I'll be here, but I may also be hiding in my pretend world...