My hands are cracked and bloody. I have washed the finish and paint off of cupboards, bookshelves and my desk looks like a woodpecker has been at it. I can't stop washing things down. I have even caused a bit of pain to myself from washing. My cheeks burn from scrubbing too hard and various other places are hurting too. I wish I could tell the voices in my head to shut up. Because of them, I had to have my oldest shave my head virtually.....I'm ashamed to admit this even to myself, that I pick my hair. When it gets to a certain length and if I have things on my mind, I sit with a mirror and start picking hairs out.
I try to stop myself. I try and keep myself from doing all of these crazy things. i have this dialogue that I am constantly running through my head, "it's ok. You are fine. You are clean. Leave your hair alone. You are bleeding. You need to stop." It doesn't always work. When it doesn't....I get soo angry.
Sometimes, everything seems so impossible. Sometimes, I feel so dang tired. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to fight the washing and picking. I don't want to fight stepping out of my home. I don't want to fight social situations. I just don't want to do it. I just want it to stop. Sometimes....
Other times, it is just a way of life and I don't even notice it. It is just a part of me. Today...I'm tired. I don't really feel good (stupid sore throat), my hands hurt (joints and now my skin is split and bleeding), my scalp is cold, my face is burning.......Today is one of those days I hate this part of me. But I am hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. That I'll feel better tomorrow.
Tonight, I'm going to shut things down and maybe read....or watch a movie and lather lotion on my hands...I hate lying to my kids....but I think they know -_-