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Run Away

Posted by TrueBlue , 20 November 2013 · 204 views

So, for what ever reason, I hid myself away for a bit.  I ran from myself and disappeared in to movies.  Trying to forget my thoughts, fears, worries, stresses,  and reality in story lines about space and rats.  I tried to hide among the stars and in restaurants in France. 
I don't feel like I gave up.  I just paused.  I do that sometimes, when things get to be too much.  When I know I can't handle things like, reality, life, myself....I just. Pause.  There is no better way of describing it as pausing. 
I am not wanting to quit, or give up on what I have attained so far.  I've come a long way in a short time and I want to continue, but sometimes, I need to step back and just pause for a bit to collect myself. 
I found out the hard way that if I don't, then I'll breakdown.  I'm scared to do that again, scared that I won't come back from it.  It has taken nearly a year to come back from my breakdown.  I remember the darkness.  The pain.  The sorrow.  The insanity of it all.  I know that I don't want to do that again.
I think on some levels, I have guilt from that since I am a mother.....everything fell on my husband's shoulders and we had some really big things hitting us.  Big things that pushed me over the edge.  Big things that he had to deal with.
A year now.....I still remember it so clearly.  I don't want to do that again...
It's interesting what our bodies and minds are capable of.  I try to listen real hard to mine.  I try to hear it when it says "I'm breaking"  and I try my hardest to prevent it from happening.  It was whispering that this weekend.  I am now mended so to speak and back at it.  Doing what needs to be done. 

Nov 22 2013 05:26 PM

I totally understand your pause. Don't be guilty for needing one; just stay grateful you had someone there to support you through it, so it didn't become too much. And I'm glad you're back out there, getting into life!

Thank you =) 

July 2016

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