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Today *Possible Triggering*

Posted by TrueBlue , 12 November 2013 · 131 views

I don't have much of a desire to do anything really.  I'm just kind of dragging.  It is all gray and wet outside.  I don't mind the dark months normaly, but this year....I just feel a bit low.
I haven't talked to her since August.  Yup, I'm keeping tack of it.  I have even counted when my oldest talked to her last...I believe that was in September.  I have these images of her running through my mind, I see her sitting there all worried, picking up her phone to check to see if it works.  Or I imagine her sitting in her chair, looking out of the window and remember the last time she attacked me, and what she said to me a couple weeks later - "I don't mean to hurt anyone except for maybe you."  Those words haunt.
They race through my mind at times when I least expect them, like dark, polluted smoke.  They dig in to my heart...when I don't want them to.  I can't help but wonder, does she remember those words she spoke to me?  Does she remember that last time she attacked me and I told her I would never talk to her again?  Does she? 
I remember that time....I don't remember the exact words she said, or screamed at me as she followed me through my home.  I remember biting the inside of my mouth and tasting the iron of my own blood, I tried so hard to keep myself from crying.  To not giver her that satisfaction.  To not give her the joy of my pain that her words caused.  I remember crying, dry, heaving sobs, while yelling at her to get out of my home!!!!  Oh, those words echo in my mind.  That day....how it hurts.  She was relentless.  She was cruel.
I felt....so small, so wounded, so alone, so desparate.  Still she continued.  Still I bawled and screamed for her to leave me alone.  To leave my home.  To finally a car pulled up and she stopped when my oldest came home.  The last thing I said to her that day "when I leave, I'll never talk to you again!!!" came sobbing out of me, as I collapsed in my son's arms.
We called my partner, all the way in Sweden.  I was panicking....I was bawling, I was scared.  I was a mess.  I heard his voice....I lost it......
He flew back a month later.  He nor my oldest son left me alone.  They couldn't, since that was when she would attack me.  This was 2005.  2005 gave me an unexpected preganancy and a marriage and a move clear across the world.  It took me miles away from her....
I sit here now, going over these memories. Working through these feelings and accepting these truths. I have always wanted to just be loved and protected, but it isn't just that - I wanted mom.  A dad. 
When I was young, I use to wonder what I could have done to have caused this?  What could I have done that would have cursed me like this?  I know silly questions....but that was honestly how I felt.
I just now, literally sighed.  I ended up having to move to another part of the world in order to feel safe, not only that, I just only now, in 2013 was able to cut ties with her.  Truth of the matter is, I have to sometimes fight these demons every day, every minute, every second and then other days, I get up and I'm able to say "Today is a most awesome day!"
Today - I am surviving. 

June 2016

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