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My Place

Posted by TrueBlue , 11 November 2013 · 95 views

In the light of my newly found situation, I have realized that I need a place to sort through my thoughts, feelings, and happenings.   I need a place that is safe and feels locked up and private, this is the place.
I am 43.  I am a survivor of long term abuse - both physically and mentally and emotionally.  I was finally able to put an end to the cruelty caused by my "mother" in August of this year....but it is a daily battle for me not to call her and fall back in to old routines. 
I have never been able to hide from the truths because they were always glaringly there, right in front of my face.  But I denied the fact that I was basically a orphan - since my so called "parents" were such as they were.
I never told anyone really about the abuse, because no one ever believed me and I figure it was as it was.  I think also I didn't want to be soo totally alone, even though I was alone....I have always been alone.
I am wrestling with healing.  I am trying to figure out when is one healed?  Is it possible to be healed?  I posted in the forum and were given a couple of responses that have set my mind reeling.  I think I need to define what healing is to me and what is being realistic.  I need to face the mirror so to speak and just....just go.  Just walk.
I really don't think that I'll be 100% normal, because who ever I was meant to be, whatever I was meant to be while in utero....was destroyed and crushed.  That little girl, that teenager, that woman, never was given the opportunity to face the light of day.  I must put her to rest and accept that she never existed.  I'll mourn her.  I'll mourn what could have been, what should have been...I'll mourn that.  Now, I must take what I have and be whoever I can be with the information I have.
I'm 43.  I feel like time is running out.  I'm 43.  43.  I'm 43 and a survivor of incest.  A survivor of the cruelest,evilest woman alive.  I'm 43 and have the rest of my life to create the person that I want to be.

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