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Feeling Broken

Posted by butterflykisses68 , 28 October 2013 · 252 views

I wish I could sleep at night and not keep having nightmares every night. I want to just be done with all of this. I want to stop hurting over this. It's been over 30 years and I just want to live my life and be happy already.

I pray to God, but sometimes I feel as if He doesn't hear me. I don't know what He wants from me. All I want is to be healed. Is that so much to ask?

Part of the problem is that aside from online, I have not told anyone what happened to me, so I have no one in my life to talk to. I am afraid to tell anyone, but by not doing so, I have isolated myself and feel so alone. It sucks. :( The only one who knew was a counselor I was going to who died from liver cancer last year. But she only knew about my brother. I didn't get a chance to tell her any of the rest of it. I need to go back to therapy, but she was a pastoral counselor who offered free christian counseling and there are just no other ones around who don't charge a fee, and I am broke.

Most of the time I feel like I'm just too broken and that I will never be able to be put back together again. Except for my job as a PCA, I hate my life. I live with my mother who just drinks all the time, and I am still angry with her, because I feel like she did not protect me from my brother. Right now I just hate the whole world. :bawling:



Feeling Broken One thing i can tell you is that if you dont talk in counseling about what happened it will continue to make you feel the way you do. I have been able to talk about what happened to me but healing is a very long process. I dont know how to define broken because I could say I feel that way still also. I found this site because Ive been feeling alone and depressed. You say you pray to God .I am seeing a christian counselor. Some churches will even help with costs so if you could at least confide in a leader at church that you had been talking with a counselor through church if there is any possible way they can help to connect you with (is there a new person in pastoral care?) maybe they can connect you with someone.Its too bad counseling is so costly because the people who need it normally are not financially able to pay. Anytime you feel like talking please do. I was married 18 yrs to my abusive husband. I dont want to say anything that may be triggering for you but relationship abuse is long term healing ..just speaking from my own experience . You feel dirty and damaged and have trust issues with men. I hope I have helped just a bit. Message me any time
How do you start up a blog to get support Im not sure how to do this
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laurenbacall
Oct 29 2013 06:20 PM

 I have isolated myself and feel so alone.

 

_Hi I can relate. It seems that sexual abuse damages the core needs. The need to feel  safety or safe, trust, control, esteem, and intimacy. I am doing a workbook on PTSD/The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms. I am seeing how much I have been changed by SA as a result of reading this book. I am using it before going in a sexual abuse recovery group.

   Maybe you can google and see it any sexual abuse recovery groups in your local area. I am sure there are. 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused. This is the new stat and it is quite high. I am not surprised given our world today.

  Everything you describe such as the anger at your mom, the feeling of not being able to be put back together and the broken feeling is all to familiar. I feel all of that on a daily basis. Please keep praying and God will come through with a counselor for you and safe people to share your story with. take gentle care. ((((((+))))))) safe hugs if okay   

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laurenbacall
Oct 29 2013 06:21 PM

How do you start up a blog to get support Im not sure how to do this

Just click on your profile picture and then click the heading blog. Instructions should be on that page. Hope this helps.

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.