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scared of the future

Posted by stronger98 , 27 October 2013 · 189 views

I Feel Like A Piece Of Me Has Been Ripped AwaY Even Though I Have Now Gotten What I Wanted. When I Was Twelve TO Fifteen Years Old My Brother Was Sexually Abuseing Me. My Parents Knew And Had Me Go To Church And See Him Anyways...They Said I Had To Face My Problems. I Asked Them Numerous Times If I Could Stay Home From Church. They Said No.For My Whole Life Up Into This Morning I Have Been Going To Church. Ever Since I Was Twelve I Was Going To Church With Anger...Until Now. I Have Gotten What I Have Always Wanted Which Is To Stay Away From My Brother At Church. To Stay Home From Church The Place Where I Would Always Sleep On My Mamas Shoulder To Avoid Looking At My Brother And Thus Relieving The Trauma Over And Over Again...When I Got Home I Would Go Directly Asleep I Was So Upset. I Hated The Animosity I Was Feeling Towards My Brother. So I Tryed Hard To Escape Reality By Taking Naps. Long Long Naps Off And On All Day Long. I Felt If I Told Anyone He Was Going To Committ Suicide. Two Years Ago When My Parents Confronted Him I Felt Terrified That He Was Feeling Alone And Like No One Loved Him...I Was Scared. He Was My Protector. Before I Was Adopted He Would Hold Me When Our BirthParent Faught. He Would Tell Them To Stop. When My Birth MOther Tried To Hitt Me He Shielded Me. He Was My Hero And Than In The End He Wounded Me. HE Was The Last Person I Thought Would Ever Do That To Me. Trust And StONG love For My Family Members Are Broken. I Don't Think I Am Ever Going To GeT That Back. I Have Scoliosis And I Asked My Papa Once Again If I Could Stay Home From Church Today. Than He Said Your Back Still HurtS Right. Than I Said Rightness Than He Said Good Than That Will Be Your Excuse For Today. My Mamas Crying. MY PaPa Said I Can't Keep Forcing Her To Go To An Ungodly Church. I Am Unsure Of What The Future Will Bring. Church Has alWays Been A Part Of Me. My Brother Has Always Been A Part Of Me. Deep Down Inside I Still Love My Brother. Those Feelings I Kept Have Been A Part Of Me For Three Years. Now There Gone. I Got What I Wanted. But I Am Upset That I Am Not Going To Church And I Don't Know Why.



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shelliebelle
Oct 27 2013 05:44 PM
I don't have real nice words that would be magical and comforting mbut i did read your post and i'm here if you ever want to talk some more....about anything. i'm so sorry for what you had to go through and it's understandable that you're upset. breaking trust like that within the family is such a hard thing to get past. just keep in mind that non of this is your fault. NONE OF IT M'K? If you ever want to talk you can PM me anytime.

take care of yourself
Thanks for the support and dont worry I know that none of this is my fault.
Hang in there....you r not alone. I'm sitting with you if that is ok....safe hugs
To you too sudan

June 2016

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.