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No more facebook :( The final end of my social life

Posted by brookie , 06 December 2013 · 204 views

I deleted my facebook account. I was writing out my thoughts and feelings in the middle of the night there (aahhh whats wrong with me?! T says i'm dissociated, i'm still struggling with accepting that and think that i'm not) and was mortified yesterday when I realised what I had written. Made a total idiot of myself and felt so horrified and embarrassed and miserable and what not. I only tell my T those kind of thoughts and feelings, or I write them here on pandys. But that is not meant for the whole facebook world to know. There goes the last bit of my social life. I don't have a social life in real-life because i'm disabled and can't go out of the house and i don't have friends who will come home and visit me either.
All I had was a virtual social life on facebook. And now that too has gone. I suppose i might have to come on pandys a lot more now, except that i find it extremely hard to be on pandys because i've been trying to escape and live in denial for 9 years, and being on pandys makes me feel sick and makes it all feel real to me and makes me get shaken out of the "nothing happened to me", and I find myself getting triggered a lot and I feel scared and I want to run away and go back to a world where "nothing exisits" and "nothing happened to me". But I guess in a way this may be good for me. It's time i stopped running and faced reality. Then again, sometimes its too much for me and I have to get away from it because I feel like I can't breathe and i don't want anything to do with any of this and I don't want anything to remind me of what happened.
I am quite miserable about not having facebook anymore. It's like i feel lost now. I wake up and don't know what to do. Before I'd wake up and check facebook. Now I'm in an empty void with the entire day looming ahead as a void of darkness and emptiness. Maybe I should make a new facebook account and only add a few people there who would understand me and not say i'm a freak and judge me for any thoughts and feelings i write (unaware). Except i don't have any friends of that sort. Nobody i know in real life has ever experienced SA. So they have no idea what this is like. And so I get labelled as a psycho freak and people avoid me. The world is a strange place. I think the people who should actually be labelled psycho freaks are the perpetrators and abusers. Not victims and survivors who are struggling to survive and have problems because of what happened to them. I'm looked down upon and ridiculed and preached to and judged because i'm so perpetually overwhelmed, get suicidal, self injure, dissociate, am so depressed, have complex-PTSD problems, and write 'negative' thoughts. But why am I like this? Its because of whats been done to me. 
The only place I feel like I belong and feel understood and not alone is here at pandys. In real life I feel terrifyingly alone, without any support or friend, and not understood, and like i dont belong anywhere, and like i dont even know myself anymore. I don't know how I am going to live and survive each day now. I am the kind of person who needs human contact and connection and I need some sort of a social life to survive. And now the last thread of it in my real life is gone. Yes i love pandys but here i'm anonymous, and everyone else is anonymous, which is somehow different from real life and real people and real friends and real human contact. Yet I am thankful that at least i have pandys to come to. 

So much of what you said I can relate to. Unfortunately I don't feel up to saying what I am feeling after I read what you wrote. I'm at work. We had a company lunch, pizza, and we were in the board room. Maybe 15 people. And I got triggered and had to leave and I'm too drained right now.


I'm sorry this happened to you.

Thanks Candu for replying and for the support and care. It's comforting knowing others relate. I'm so sorry you got triggered at work and felt drained. That must be so hard when it happens at work. Hope you feel better. Here with you

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