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Room Full of Love

Posted by stephiej9557 , 20 March 2014 · 84 views

My youngest son (7 years old) had his spring recital at school earlier this evening.  As I was crouched on the floor between other parents frantically snapping photos and taking videos of their kids, I realized that there was a lot of love for all these kids.  I adore my two sons, as does their father.  My husband is great about helping out with the kids and playing with them, coaching sport teams, etc.  I'm great at nurturing, encouraging, talking about all kinds of things, taking pictures, putting together scrapbooks of their memories.
When I look back on my own childhood, I get so angry.  The contrast between what I had back then and what so many kids have now as far as emotional support just makes me so angry.  Nobody was ever really there for me.  Neither of my parents.  My mother actually abandoned me and our family when I was four or five years old.  She stayed gone for six years.  My Dad ...  he's incredibly selfish and always has been.  If he had been a better person, maybe Mom wouldn't have left.  Maybe that's why I always feel so angry towards him.
I was crying while I took those pictures tonight.  Those kids were all so happy to be there, waving at their parents and smiling.  My father didn't attend a single school event the entire twelve years I was in school.  NOT ONE.  He never came to any of our softball games.  If he took us somewhere fun, it was only because there was something there that was interesting to him.
Now I have a nineteen-year-old son and a seven-year-old son with spina bifida.  When I had to have the emergency c-section for my youngest, neither of my parents made the trip.  Not even when he had to go through two major surgeries in the first week of his life.  What kind of parents do that?
My guess is that not a single parent in that room tonight would have hesitated to rush to their child's side or grandchild's side in such circumstances.  But I grew up expecting that all parents did things that way.  All parents showed minimal interest in the lives of their children.  Other parents must not help their kids with homework.  All parents must have five or six cocktails a night, every single night.  In my mind, that was normal.  It seemed normal to be afraid of your father assaulting you.  It seemed normal to have a mother that could only tolerate your presence for short periods of time even after being gone for six years.
It's scary that I never had ANYONE I could really trust until my kids came along.  I don't even trust my husband.  

July 2016

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