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Just Breathing

Posted by brittney44 , 16 October 2013 · 103 views

Breathe. That's what I must do. That's all I can do. Air goes in and the air goes out. I must continue to breathe so that I will live. Although sometimes I don't want to breathe I have to. I have so many people depending on me and needing me. But why? Why do people need me? I don't understand what good I do for anyone. Why must I continue to breathe? I don't want to most time.

This is what I think about most nights. These are the thoughts that bring me to self harm. But I like it. I don't know why. I like the pain feeling. I like the feeling of pain because it means that I can still feel. I wish to stop soon though. Nineteen scars are to many for someone my age. To many for anyone. I am seventeen years old, and I feel as if I have the stress of a forty five year old. Why?

I just wish I could have these answers. I really want to understand. But I don't have any answers. No one does. Everything happens for a reason. But what is my reason? Is it to help others? Is it to show people happiness? Why? Dear God I have got to figure this stuff out. I have too. There has to be a way. I am determined to figure out why this has happened to me. It has destroyed my old life. It has destroyed my old self. But who am I now? Someone better?

So tonight I find myself sitting here, breathing, listening to my breaths. In out, in out, in out, deep breaths. I find myself wondering, thinking, deciding, contemplating, looking at options. I find myself living, surviving, accomplishing.

December 2014

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