Lies and Make Believe
I lie awake in bed. Sleep had not come easy, it never did. They said if I lay still, eyes shut, sleep would come. I did as I was told, however sleep had long left my nights. My old friend would come to tease and sleep would embrace me. I longed to sink into it's gentle lullaby. To leave reality behind and frolic through the realms of fantasy. I could feel the soft tug on my mind as my senses began to fade. Fear and unease filter through my mind as I drift to sleep. It was to be short lived, as I soon awoke sweating, a silent scream written on my face. The nightmare still fresh in my mind, I could no longer feel sleeps gentle pull. And so I would wait, hoping sleep would once again grace me with it's quiet lull. This game we would play, this cat and mouse, until daylight came.
As the light filters in, my mind relaxes for a brief moment. My nightmares were over, but now reality sets in. It was time to get up and go. To face the world and scurry through my daily routine, but how could I? How could I face another day in this endless cycle or inner torment. Doomed to smile by day and cry by night, to relive everything I longed to forget. Exhausted, I forsake the day, letting myself fall into the thralls of slumber. sleep, who had played so coy during the night, now greeted me with open arms, emboldened by the light. Thoughts of the day and it's responsibilities dance in my mind. I shut them out, to tired to care.
A door opens and I'm suddenly aware. They were coming to check on me. They expected to see an empty bed. To know I'd gone about my day as planned, but they'd be disappointed. I braced myself for the scolding. I braced myself to see the hurt and anger in their eyes when they realized I'd flaked again. I scrambled for something to say. I couldn't tell them the truth. I'd tried once, to tell of my nightly troubles. Lies they had said. Exaggeration and embellishment they called it. I could tell them of the sickness deep in my stomach, but they would never listen. They don't understand how the nightmares plague me, making me ill every morning.
When the moment came, when they opened my door and yelled, my thoughts took flight. Everything I wanted to say was gone. The look on their face stole my composure. A simple "I don't feel well" was all I could could murmur. I had wanted to tell them everything, to release the secrets I kept buried within, but it didn't matter now. All I could see was their face and shame welled inside me. My mind was torn and shattered, but even in my broken state I could see the pain I was causing them. I wanted to give in. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to cave inside of myself, never to return, but I could not. I would have to put on a mask and act my way through. I would have to continue with my lies. for their sake I had to make believe I was ok.