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Greymushu's Blog



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Update. Doing better.

Posted by greymushu , 21 November 2013 · 84 views

I'm at this place right now...and it's really good. I've needed a break from Pandy's for awhile because I just had to stop thinking about all of this crap. I can't get it all figured out, I can't find all answers, and it does me no good to dwell on it and make the problems larger. I just had to let it go for awhile. I'm tired of thinking about it. And so...


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Update on life

Posted by greymushu , 02 November 2013 · 77 views

I am starting to feel better. I got lost, very lost, and it was scary to get lost so deep in my head. But Jesus lead me out, he reminded me of certain truths and shed light on some of the darkness. And that's something I will always remember when I find myself in dark places is to remember truth...anything that's true. Truth is always a reference point, t...


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The Sea

Posted by greymushu , 31 October 2013 · 60 views

She has no say 
How the moon swings her tides
the sea accepts her restless fate
 
From white foam she surfaces
The forgotten, the unearthed
old bones and secrets that lie
 
within
 Weeds that fill her gut
Where from her deepness, darkness swells
Drawing from her pits monsters there dwell;
 
though,
Her bloated belly spits pearls...


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Musings, random memories, thoughts, feelings...spillage *tw*

Posted by greymushu , 28 October 2013 · 89 views

This can't be my life. Why would I remember this? How?

I can't remember what happened to me as a toddler...was it him too? I remember his face when he did it to me. Was it in the tent?

4-5 years: Mom took my cranberry juice away from me. She told me it would stop the bleeding. I had urine in my blood and she told me the problem was cranberry jui...


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Insignificant *TW-take care.

Posted by greymushu , 28 October 2013 · 81 views

I feel the universe expanding
I become smaller
Who am I to stir the pot?
Pot stirrer, is what they call me

The voices...

You're just a girl
Your feelings don't matter
You just want attention
Everything's about you, ha little girl?
Is everything about you?
You small, small, whiny little girl?
Shut up and just stop
Just stop
Over-dramatic.
B...


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Time Alone

Posted by greymushu , 17 October 2013 · 100 views

At first I was really anxious about being alone for 4 days without my husband. But I'm kind of starting to frame it differently. There are upsides to this. First all, I am capable, independent, and I can take care of myself. I don't need my husband to feel safe.

1. I can watch all those dark drama/romances that my husband refuses to even conside...


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Ranting

Posted by greymushu , 16 October 2013 · 59 views

Last night my dreams consisted of three disturbing things. Tornadoes, several tornadoes with lightening coming out of them, death/loss of family members and loved ones, and losing my hair...the back of my hair was going bald.

Anyways, it looks like I'm going to be alone this weekend..thurs-Sunday. I'm not looking forward to it, considering that I...


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Escapism

Posted by greymushu , 13 October 2013 · 66 views

I feel like my mind is disconnected from my emotions. It's like I'm not really here, everything real has been placed behind glass doors...nothing can penetrate. I'm still feeling like I'm in a tunnel. It's bliss because I feel nothing. I can still taste and listen. I can still feel the keyboard as I type, so soothing.

I think I'm...


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Insomnia musings

Posted by greymushu , 09 October 2013 · 53 views

All I know to do is turn my mind off. I play video games while listening the Bon Iver station on my pandora. This is my least healthy coping mech after quitting weed and cigarettes.

I discovered why I hate taking showers. They make me cry. All day i felt distant and unemotional until I showered and it's like something inside me shattered and I start...


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It's time to let go

Posted by greymushu , 06 October 2013 · 82 views

words cannot really express how angry and hurt i feel. the people who I hoped would be there for me aren't and I realize that I've spent my entire life being manipulated and lied to by the people i've invested so much time and love in...to never be loved back, at least not fully...to never be accepted or understand by my own family or closest...






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