I am entering the 10th grade.
A self esteem test is handed out, and I am unsure of how to fill it out because I don't know who I am.
I lost my identity I felt at age 15. My mental health was out the window.
Schizophrenia? Bipolar disorder?
No. Most likely borderline personality and post traumatic stress disorder.
I am only 15. No one seems to notice.
Mostly my peers notice. The adults seem impervious to what is going on.
I had this morbid fascination with death and dying. I felt I had died but was somehow still breathing.
I often thought I would not survive to see age 20. I figured I'd be dead before then. I often thought of suicide.
Then the bully came along.
I am judged because I am not taking care of myself. I am judged for all the shame I seem to feel.
A girl comes up to me with a group of guys in art class and starts calling me a whore. The guys feel awkward because of her aggressive behavior towards me, and they walk away from her.
I know I was more than just a little awkward. I was quite frankly out of my head. So the bullies I guess thought I was an easy target.
I was automatically judged as a "bad girl."
Because of the "bad girl" label I got blamed for stuff I didn't do.
Like a more popular girl's friend ratted out her other friends for picking on a new girl. Even though I was not present for much of what happened. I was blamed.
The girl's reasoning. You're just bad. I told her she was stupid to do that, and it was her own friend that ratted them out.
I really was not doing well at all. It was clear in how I carried myself and my mental health. My other label was psycho girl. So I was considered bad and dangerous.
I skipped school. They say.
I was bad to my parents. One group of girls was so bold to further and say I made up all the abuse allegations about my parents.
I seemed judged as being bad by mere appearances, and withdrawn behavior. Whenever I acted out further out down the road it was used as evidence, even if the behavior was much more self injurious, or just merely depressive.
My my behavior changed for worse. I acted out. I had an ugly boyfriend, and I did not fit in.
A rumor is spread that I called some girl a whore, and threatened to beat her, and her friends up. I don't recall doing it, and I barely knew who she was, or who her friends were.
The girl who bullied me from before accused me of it all. It didn't matter if I didn't know the girl, or say or do those things. She did not like my face, she said, so whether or not it was true it did not matter.
She cornered me again in the change room, when very few people were there and she told me to suck her cunt.
I always found it interesting for the really nasty things she preferred less of an audience. Maybe two other sort of outcast students were there. But it felt like no one was there.