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The early years

Posted by Ludditesunited , 01 October 2013 · 88 views

My life is a series of abusive events. Some is sexual abuse, some is a combination of physical and emotional abuse, along with neglect.

I've heard a lot of excuses for what happened to me. It was suggested to me that there is always worse abuse out there, but how bad does it have to be for someone to notice.

Then there was projecting the abuser's behavior onto me, and then protecting the abuser. Like once my brother got so drunk at a party I literally had to box him off me. I was then blamed for being drunk, and my brother was the innocent party.

I wonder what they are afraid of. What ugly part of our family history might also come out and illuminate a few generations of abuse; it never just started with my brother, it started with my mother and once my brother abused me at her bidding, my mother washed her hands of the history, and blamed him.

Flashback. I am 11 years old.

My mother pushes me to try on a thin nightie to show my stepdad. I tell her it's see-thru and I am not comfortable showing him. She continues pushing me to show him.

I move uncomfortably a few steps from my bedroom door. When he sees me I know his look is not one of genuine affection, but more like sexual arousal.

My mother seems to think this is normal, and she kisses my stepdad. This is where I remember when the abuse became sexual.

My mother couldn't have done that intentionally. Did she? It felt like she was handing me over to him; using my naivity, and innocence that she did not possess but wanted to use. Or corrupt. It is so hard to tell.

She didn't mean any harm did she? I know he meant harm but it's hard to tell what exactly she was up to. As time wore on her intentions became evil. Some part of them went from being innocent to guilty, and it was not a part of their initial intentions in the first place.



Hi,

I am sorry you went through numerous types of abuse. That is awful!

There is no justification for any abuse because there is 'worse abuse out there'. That is just a way of belittling any trauma you went through because someone else went through a worse situation! How ridiculous!! That just makes the perpetrators feel better about themselves.

I am sorry that your mother did not treat you respectfully and protect you from any sexual attention from your stepfather. In my situation, my stepmother did not protect me or her own daughter from my father. I have no respect for that weakness. As far as I am concerned, these women should step up and protect any children in their care from any inappropriate attention from sleazy men. That is simply the only decent thing to do.

What your mother and stepfather did was definitely inappropriate. You are in no way responsible for anything that happened.

Are you receiving any professional counseling for this trauma? I hope so. We need help to work through childhood sexual abuse.

I am here if you need to chat. We can get through the effect that these experiences have had on our lives, with help from therapists, some family (even if it is only our 'adopted' families like very good friends) and other people who care about us.

All the best.

Tina :)
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Ludditesunited
Oct 03 2013 04:02 AM

Hi,I am sorry you went through numerous types of abuse. That is awful! There is no justification for any abuse because there is 'worse abuse out there'. That is just a way of belittling any trauma you went through because someone else went through a worse situation! How ridiculous!! That just makes the perpetrators feel better about themselves. I am sorry that your mother did not treat you respectfully and protect you from any sexual attention from your stepfather. In my situation, my stepmother did not protect me or her own daughter from my father. I have no respect for that weakness. As far as I am concerned, these women should step up and protect any children in their care from any inappropriate attention from sleazy men. That is simply the only decent thing to do.What your mother and stepfather did was definitely inappropriate. You are in no way responsible for anything that happened. Are you receiving any professional counseling for this trauma? I hope so. We need help to work through childhood sexual abuse. I am here if you need to chat. We can get through the effect that these experiences have had on our lives, with help from therapists, some family (even if it is only our 'adopted' families like very good friends) and other people who care about us.All the best.Tina :)/>



I have been getting therapy on again and off again. I don't always feel I need therapy. Stepping away family has been helpful to show just how toxic they are to me. I have been doing better. I am getting treatment for major depression which has also been helpful. Writing helps really put things into perspective too :)
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Ludditesunited
Oct 03 2013 08:53 PM

Hi,I am sorry you went through numerous types of abuse. That is awful! There is no justification for any abuse because there is 'worse abuse out there'. That is just a way of belittling any trauma you went through because someone else went through a worse situation! How ridiculous!! That just makes the perpetrators feel better about themselves. I am sorry that your mother did not treat you respectfully and protect you from any sexual attention from your stepfather. In my situation, my stepmother did not protect me or her own daughter from my father. I have no respect for that weakness. As far as I am concerned, these women should step up and protect any children in their care from any inappropriate attention from sleazy men. That is simply the only decent thing to do.What your mother and stepfather did was definitely inappropriate. You are in no way responsible for anything that happened. Are you receiving any professional counseling for this trauma? I hope so. We need help to work through childhood sexual abuse. I am here if you need to chat. We can get through the effect that these experiences have had on our lives, with help from therapists, some family (even if it is only our 'adopted' families like very good friends) and other people who care about us.All the best.Tina :)/>


Also she did protect me and she did not protect me. She protected me once from an act of physical abuse from my step father. Other times she seemed to instigate and encourage it. Other times I don't think she had the best upbringing, and had little understanding to physical boundaries herself, and when to set them. There is an element of good and evil in her but I think she just became a little more hellbent on evil.

July 2014

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