Finally found what I needed but now so afraid of it.
He read it, jotted some notes, addressed some stuff along the way and responded in such a comforting way, just as I feared he would. Ugh! He said I did good writing him, that I expressed some important things he could help me with and now he has a better understanding. He showed me empathy, understanding and confidence that he can help me with this. He is constantly reassuring me of everything. This is so what I needed and yet it scares me. CAN THIS REALLY BE REAL? Does he really care to help me thru this, that he is not just doing his job but he is passionate about facing my fears WITH me and taking the power from it? He continues to be gentle and kind and say the right things. I am so happy but still have my guard up with him. But that is ok, We discussed taking it slow, as slow as I need, but I am finding comfort in sharing with him. That is huge! He talked about how a couple times he has wanted to sit by me and hold my hand when he saw I was struggling. He wasn't sure if I was ok with that. I didn't really answer, I got scared and froze. He wants me to know that he is there for me. I don't show emotion, he asked a little about that. He asked me if I ever cried in front of someone, had I ever had someone hold me and let me shed the tears that are inside. No, I haven't and it worried me to have someone show me that. I have always been strong, always held it in, never had anyone to count on but me. He might jerk that loose on me. That scared me. It would be a good thing but then I am so afraid to do it. I know it is not weakness to cry but I guess that is how I feel sometimes. I made it through the "r", had no support through it all, the trial and still I made it. Hell, I didn't even cry on the stand. How could I cry in front of him, anyone. He discussed how important it was to show emotion, to let it out. It was ok to cry, it is so relieving. I never show emotion, hell, I don't even have anger at this %#@% who did this to me!
I think I am reaching feelings inside, I feel things changing for me and it can be scary. I think I am really starting to trust this t, believe this t and feel he is the one to help me. It feels too good to be true, but what if he is??? That would be so wonderful. I can actually be able to speak about the details and know that he is there listening, not judging and will guide me through it. He said he could get me through this, he said that we can pick away at this and it won't be much more than a pebble with more positive things surrounding it and I will see that some day. I told him that this was way bigger than me and I knew I needed help with it. He assures me that I AM bigger than it and he will show me how.
I am glad I shared with him my thoughts and fears about him helping me with this. It really helped to have such a good session. I am getting a better feel for him. I am believing him. He showed me nothing but compassion and confidence. I am actually looking forward to next weeks session. But it is scary to have someone like this in my life. An adjustment I will have to face but it is a good one to face!