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Finally found what I needed but now so afraid of it.

Posted by angelsun , 05 February 2014 · 268 views

I think I found what I have been looking for.  An experienced, caring, compassion and understanding t.  I had written him a letter explaining some of my thoughts and fears, some things I needed him to know but couldn't seem to tell him.  No details of my "r" just thoughts about him and how he can help me.  How I feel so isolated and scared to open up to him.  He saw that I brought something with me to session last night and asked if it was for him.  I handed it over and cringed as anxiety started to set in.  Why am I so afraid to let others know how I feel, why am I so afraid to share what is going on inside my head.
He read it, jotted some notes, addressed some stuff along the way and responded in such a comforting way, just as I feared he would.  Ugh!  He said I did good writing him, that I expressed some important things he could help me with and now he has a better understanding.  He showed me empathy, understanding and confidence that he can help me with this.  He is constantly reassuring me of everything. This is so what I needed and yet it scares me.  CAN THIS REALLY BE REAL?  Does he really care to help me thru this, that he is not just doing his job but he is passionate about facing my fears WITH me and taking the power from it?  He continues to be gentle and kind and say the right things.  I am so happy but still have my guard up with him.  But that is ok,  We discussed taking it slow, as slow as I need, but I am finding comfort in sharing with him.  That is huge!  He talked about how a couple times he has wanted to sit by me and hold my hand when he saw I was struggling.  He wasn't sure if I was ok with that. I didn't really answer, I got scared and froze. He wants me to know that he is there for me.  I don't show emotion, he asked a little about that.  He asked me if I ever cried in front of someone, had I ever had someone hold me and let me shed the tears that are inside.  No, I haven't and it worried me to have someone show me that.  I have always been strong, always held it in, never had anyone to count on but me. He might jerk that loose on me.  That scared me.  It would be a good thing but then I am so afraid to do it.  I know it is not weakness to cry but I guess that is how I feel sometimes.  I made it through the "r", had no support through it all, the trial and still I made it.  Hell, I didn't even cry on the stand.  How could I cry in front of him, anyone.  He discussed how important it was to show emotion, to let it out.  It was ok to cry, it is so relieving.  I never show emotion, hell, I don't even have anger at this %#@% who did this to me!
I think I am reaching feelings inside, I feel things changing for me and it can be scary.  I think I am really starting to trust this t, believe this t and feel he is the one to help me.  It feels too good to be true, but what if he is???  That would be so wonderful.  I can actually be able to speak about the details and know that he is there listening, not judging and will guide me through it.  He said he could get me through this, he said that we can pick away at this and it won't be much more than a pebble with more positive things surrounding it and I will see that some day. I told him that this was way bigger than me and I knew I needed help with it.  He assures me that I AM bigger than it and he will show me how.  
I am glad I shared with him my thoughts and fears about him helping me with this.  It really helped to have such a good session.  I am getting a better feel for him.  I am believing him.  He showed me nothing but compassion and confidence.  I am actually looking forward to next weeks session. But it is scary to have someone like this in my life.  An adjustment I will have to face but it is a good one to face!  

Hi angelsun


Wow - this is huge!  Way to go you for writing him the letter!  You are doing so well at trying to share with him and work through your fears and I really admire your courage in this.  I hear how scary it is for you to think about connecting with and expressing emotions.  I remember I was terrified of my emotions - suppressed them for years and then when I finally started to connect with them through therapy, I kept trying to filter them from my T.  Even though starting to express my emotions in T was scary, it is rarely something I have regretted (which surprised me), and it has been helpful and healing for me even though it is painful too. 


I kept my guard up for a long time with my T.  I wouldn't say I've lowered my defenses in T completely, even though she is also kind and supportive and patient, but I think it can be a gradual thing that we can learn to do when we are ready and at our own pace.  From everything you have shared here about your T, he sounds very supportive and kind as well as more than willing to go at your pace so you can feel as safe as possible to share what you feel you need to in therapy.  I am so glad that you found this T.


Well done angelsun!  You are working so hard on your healing and it is a privilege to read of these wonderful steps you are taking.  I've been a bit quiet round here recently but want you to know that I care and am cheering you on.  Sending hugs too.

Thanks Amethyst80 so much!  I wrote this for myself but I do appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.  I am terrified to connect with these emotions and worse yet, expose them to someone.  But I am also learning to really trust and believe in this t and I couldn't have imagined it going any better.  This a huge hurdle for anyone on their journey.  He is constantly reassuring me and that brings so much comfort and helps alleviate many fears, despite building trust.  


You have had alot on your plate and I hope you are still managing as well as you can.  Tough work, many ups and downs but I feel we can get there.  We just need to be persevering when times get hard and know there is better things to come.  Take care Amethyst80, I wish you well and always appreciate your kind words and support.


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