I have nowhere to go, nowhere to turn. I've been fighting this most of the day. I want to feel normal again, I want all these memories to disappear. My intrusive thoughts and feelings have taken over again. Every time I turn around something slaps me in the face. I sit here with family around me and yet they have no idea what is going thru my head. I was to run, somewhere, anywhere to get away from this. How am I ever going to move past this, how am I ever going to feel happy again and not have these worries and fear. It is not fair, it is not easy and it doesn't just go away. I wasn't deserving of this pain. I feel like I am in my own little world, horrible world, where there is constant battles going on around me. My mind is warped with these images and I struggle to put them away. I can't make sense of it. How does one continue living like this. Maybe it is just me, maybe it is me making it more difficult on myself. But I can't control it, I can't get away from it and I can't heal it. I don't know how, I don't know when and I don't know where to go.
All this turmoil going on inside and yet not a soul around me has any idea. I don't want them to know but I also wish I had someone to go to, someone to let it out to, someone I could feel safe and not ashamed to tell them. Who really cares anyway. This is my issue, my problem and they don't need to be bothered by me. But I also don't know how long I can carry on with this. It is too heavy on me. I am not who I used to be. I don't know where I went, I don't know if I'll ever be back. I feel pathetic.