It took everything out of me to get my turkey prepared and in the oven. I am falling apart today. I am trying to hold it together so that my husband doesn't question whats wrong with me. He has already done it once today. I have no answers. I'm sad, I'm hurt and I am scared. It came over me suddenly this morning. Why can't I recognize these triggers? It is screwed up that I can't even enjoy the holiday. It is screwed up that it can take over and control me like this. I am alone with this and no one can understand, certainly not my husband. I have been stuck here for awhile now and with no hope in sight. I keep feeling it is never going to get better, just will have to deal with this. Can't help but feel I am being punished for something. I am not good for my family, not this way. I just want to disappear.