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Another day in my life

Posted by angelsun , 14 November 2013 · 194 views

It is starting again this morning.  What is going on with me, why are things so strong?  I keep trying to put
it out of my mind, trying to ease it up and be compassionate to myself.  It is scary though, too much fear from
this is making it unmanagable.  I miss my t, I miss her desperately. She doesn't understand and I can't find the
words for her.  I have this turmoil inside and I can't let it out to anyone.  I put a call into my t the other
day, she didn't call back, she didn't look into how I was doing.  Left me quite devastated. Posted Image She couldn't hear
in my voice I really needed someone?  How can she help when I can't get the words out.  She is the
only one that I have opened up some of this too.  I don't want to be her paycheck. This reinforces how I feel that no 
one cares about me. I hate to say that because I know there are some pretty awesome people in my life but it 
sure doesn't feel like they really care.  This is too much for me, this is too powerful for me
to handle alone.  I am falling apart on the inside.
I try to pack it away, try to put it aside but to no avail.  It is there, always, staring me in the face wanting to
know when I will open it up.  I am too afraid, I am too weak, I am too ashamed.  Somehow I have to find the words,
somehow I need to open this up to face it all.  Tears are brewing inside but yet none surface to fall.  Perhaps I am
reaching something deep that I don't even see.
It is controlling my life, it is controlling my thoughts and I can't find a way thru it.  It is not fair.  How long
do I have to go thru this?  I am tired of being afraid...... 

July 2016

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