Could it be that I am actually accepting what happened, I am fully acknowledging what went on, is that why it is so painful, is that why I can't keep myself together. It seems like it is turning inside of me and wants to get out. How do I let it out, how do I bear the shame of revealing something I don't completely understand or remember. But there is enough there that is disrupting my life to the extent that it is. This means something but I am afraid. How can this have happened, how could there be more. This isn't possible, maybe I am imagining something that really didn't happen. But then, how do I explain the torment my body is feeling, that is real, that is not imagined. I have the image, he is real. I started out working on getting past something and this is popped up in my face. Where did it come from, why won't it go away. It is too late now.
I am so ashamed to admit this, I am so afraid of what will follow. How can I face more, what happened to me, what is wrong with me. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING but I am the one who pays for it. I want my t by my side on this one but I am afraid to tell her. I am taking it slowly and this week I opened up something to her and it has been hitting me since. I am tired of feeling like this but there is more she needs to know to help me move thru this. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
It is just not fair.