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Acknowledging, how painful and scary

Posted by angelsun , 27 September 2013 · 141 views

Could it be that I am actually accepting what happened, I am fully acknowledging what went on, is that why it is so painful, is that why I can't keep myself together. It seems like it is turning inside of me and wants to get out. How do I let it out, how do I bear the shame of revealing something I don't completely understand or remember. But there is enough there that is disrupting my life to the extent that it is. This means something but I am afraid. How can this have happened, how could there be more. This isn't possible, maybe I am imagining something that really didn't happen. But then, how do I explain the torment my body is feeling, that is real, that is not imagined. I have the image, he is real. I started out working on getting past something and this is popped up in my face. Where did it come from, why won't it go away. It is too late now.

I am so ashamed to admit this, I am so afraid of what will follow. How can I face more, what happened to me, what is wrong with me. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING but I am the one who pays for it. I want my t by my side on this one but I am afraid to tell her. I am taking it slowly and this week I opened up something to her and it has been hitting me since. I am tired of feeling like this but there is more she needs to know to help me move thru this. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. :gaah: It is just not fair. :banghead:

I hear you.

It is painful because it feels as if it will split us open. Also, because these huge emotions that have been locked away are all coming out and it's like a flood, sweeping all in its path and unstoppable - you can't put it back.

But it will not be like this forever. The waters will subside and you will find a place for it all inside you. It's still you.
Thank you Susanna.

September 2014

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