I just feel very alone lately.
I'm having quite a hard time talking to people lately... I've just stopped bothering to open my mouth and talk to people. Even when they're talking to me, I just sit quietly and listen to them, and offer enough response that they know I'm actually listening.
I want to reach out... I feel like my mouth has been clamped shut and my vocal chords cut. I guess there just aren't words for what I'm feeling.
A huge part of me wants to tell my therapist exactly what happened last year and process it all... She knows about the ab*se from before, but she doesn't have details on the r*pe other than it happened... no one does. I haven't told anyone what happened in any detail at all. I can't even say out loud, "I got r*ped." I literally cannot open my mouth and say those words, and it makes me feel so weak... I'm coming up on the first anniversary... I need to come to terms with this... I need to stop dissociating and having flashbacks... there are so many things I need to do... I need to get better... I don't want to go back in hospital...