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I just feel very alone lately.

Posted by panda.xoxo , in PTSD Progress 30 September 2013 · 173 views

I haven't been depressed, really... just very numb. My best friend is gone to ED treatment for the next few weeks. My therapist can only see me every two weeks. I'm at university quite far from home. I definitely feel more at home here... but all I want to do is cuddle with my kitten.

I'm having quite a hard time talking to people lately... I've just stopped bothering to open my mouth and talk to people. Even when they're talking to me, I just sit quietly and listen to them, and offer enough response that they know I'm actually listening.

I want to reach out... I feel like my mouth has been clamped shut and my vocal chords cut. I guess there just aren't words for what I'm feeling.

A huge part of me wants to tell my therapist exactly what happened last year and process it all... She knows about the ab*se from before, but she doesn't have details on the r*pe other than it happened... no one does. I haven't told anyone what happened in any detail at all. I can't even say out loud, "I got r*ped." I literally cannot open my mouth and say those words, and it makes me feel so weak... I'm coming up on the first anniversary... I need to come to terms with this... I need to stop dissociating and having flashbacks... there are so many things I need to do... I need to get better... I don't want to go back in hospital...

As I read your blog there were so many "I need to's". It seems you are working so hard....so hard in fact there isn't enough room for your voice to come out and be heard.

So just food for thought written below.........

It's hard when you are at a university to have the privacy needed to process your voice, unless you do have your own apartment. Is there anyway you can find a really safe place to be quiet and still for small periods of time?

I think your setting is a challenge, and a little creativity will be needed to take care of yourself. It's hard to process this pain when so many could or are going to be witnesses.

My counselors office is in a huge old house, and there are quiet rooms available that I can hang out in if I need a safe private space.

I can feel this chokehold that you are dealing with in not being able to talk, or voice out loud what is happening. It feels like you are stuck in the process? Can you try something new and different like drawing the pain, painting, burning pieces of paper, or cutting up an old book....heck go to the batting cages, or dance the emotions....maybe play an instrument or drum into you sweat. The goal would be to not focus on forcing your voice to work, but to come at this from a different approach that unlocks this stuck place you are in??

Take good care and I hope the ability to communicate this grief finds an outlet in some way, shape, or form.........


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