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panda.xoxo's Blog


Anniversary today and tomorrow. *triggers*

Posted by panda.xoxo , in PTSD Progress 13 October 2013 · 125 views

Trigger warning for literally everything. You've been warned.

It's 1:00 PM. I haven't gotten out of bed. I've sat here with a secret SI tool (my room got sharp-proofed by my RA) in one hand, a full bottle of Seroquel in the other, and a pile of Reese's cups in front of me. Literally all I want to do today is binge/purge/binge/...


Low point this weekend... (TW meds, suicidal ideation)

Posted by panda.xoxo , in PTSD Progress 06 October 2013 · 162 views

It's not been entirely bad I guess, but it has been overwhelmingly difficult. Friday evening, my roommate and I decided to go shopping on Saturday afternoon. And I was super excited about it, but then Friday night just as I was settling into bed, I asked what time we were leaving for the mall and my roommate said, "Well _____ and _____ want to co...


My T made me a schedule (tw: meds, tw: ed)

Posted by panda.xoxo , in PTSD Progress 03 October 2013 · 116 views

Last time we met, Heidi and I made a schedule with "healthy routine" because apparently it's important for people who struggle with dissociation to set a lot of routine so that we can still function. I figured it's worth a try. Thought I'd post it here in case anyone was interested to see:

1) Eat three meals per day of some sort of su...


I just feel very alone lately.

Posted by panda.xoxo , in PTSD Progress 30 September 2013 · 119 views

I haven't been depressed, really... just very numb. My best friend is gone to ED treatment for the next few weeks. My therapist can only see me every two weeks. I'm at university quite far from home. I definitely feel more at home here... but all I want to do is cuddle with my kitten.

I'm having quite a hard time talking to people lately......


Body memories are controlling my life

Posted by panda.xoxo , in PTSD Progress 28 September 2013 · 128 views

Off I go for another shower. I can't stop the body memories. Just yesterday I used up an entire bar of soap in one shower and still felt his grossness all over me... all through my body... I just want a friend to come into my room and sit on my bed and hold me until I cry or fall asleep. I just need to be safe... I feel so disgusting and I just feel h...


Conflicted. *TRIGGER*

Posted by panda.xoxo , in PTSD Progress 24 September 2013 · 90 views

I'm usually either anxious or depressed. Lately I'm just confused, more than anything.

I'm coming up on an anniversary - well, sort of coming up on it. It'll be October 13th, so I've got a wee bit of time.

I suppose I'm just not used to dealing with anniversaries, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm feeling at the moment....


Welcome to my blog!

Posted by panda.xoxo , in PTSD Progress 23 September 2013 · 71 views

Here's just an outline of things you should know about me:

1. I've had severe complex PTSD since I was 14, and it resurfaced almost exactly one year ago due to another trauma.
2. I struggle with self harm, which I used to use as a coping mechanism to snap myself out of dissociative states.
3. I'm currently in university studying psychology....

August 2015

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