Forth entry: Consequences
CSA had several consequences in my life. From the time I was seven to fourteen most of my life is a blur and what I do remember feels more fictional than true. When I say something happened when I was little it mostly means six and under. At seven my innocence was taken away, I was no longer "little". During that time frame I was bullied, somewhat emotionally abused, and my family was broken. I couldn't tell about SA. I slipped further and further into depression, scocial anxiety, self-harm, and repression. I'm selectively mute at this point. It's not CSA that caused all of this but it was certainly a huge contributor. I used to cry everyday when I was 8-11 and wish I could go back to _______ (the town I lived in when I was six and under) I now realize its not that I wanted to physically go there but I wanted to go back to before the abuse.
My life can never go back to the same way it was when I was five; however, with some efforts maybe it will get better. Maybe someday I will be "better" per say. I think my next post will be about defining better. Better is a really sucky goal because you cannot measure progress on it very well. How do you know when you reach better? I think I'll be posting this question on a forum because I don't have the answer.