What do I do with Mom?
Tomorrow I have a meeting on an entirely different subject. I'm already anxious because I'm afraid I won't have as much accomplished on this project as I need to have done. I'm afraid they will think I'm doing a crappy job, which is what I think. But I have to bite the bullet and go.
I haven't seen my t* in three weeks now and I have stuff to discuss. Thank goodness I'm not the emotional wreck I was last week and weekend. Oh well, for a week and a half I will have to hold it together til I see him. I hope things continue on this upward climb. He adjusted my meds about three weeks ago and I think it's been effective.
I talked to my mom today. We had a nice chat although I felt like she was trying to pry a bit. My mom and I used to have a great relationship but she didn't think I needed to get the SA stuff out in the open. So now she doesn't talk to me much. She talked to my husband the other day while I was sleeping and asked him how I was. He told her I was having a hard time. Did she call me after that? NO. I miss my relationship with her, but right now I'm mad and hurting because she didn't support me. I still haven't figured that out. I'm not sure what it means to me. Does she not love me? Is it just too much for her to handle? Does it make her mad at me? That's what it seems like. I'm not a mom but I raised my niece. I know if I found out someone messed with her, she'd NEVER have to doubt whether I'd support her or not. I think if it were one of my brothers who got hurt, ESPECIALLY my older brother, she'd be there no matter what. I think I'm just too much for her to deal with emotionally. I think it bugs her that I want get past this and she still wants the secret to be kept locked away so we (my family) doesn't have to talk about it. It's not that I want to talk about it (other than with my t*) but I don't want to HAVE to HIDE it anymore. I'm sick of being the outcast in my family because I'm worried someone will find out, or blame me, or not believe me, or think I'm disgusting, or worse hurt me again or write me off forever. I keep them all at arm's length. I only let them in so far. I don't think any of them really know me except 1 aunt that I have who I can talk to but don't because her child who is my cousin got hurt too. My cousin has passed so that makes it hard for me to talk to my Aunt about it. But she's a lot like a mom to me. She handled this the same as my mom. When we told our moms when we were younger both my mom and my Aunt wanted us to keep it to ourselves. Yet I"m not mad at my Aunt like I am at my mom now. Maybe I should be but for some reason I'm not. All I know is my relationship with my mom is now a double edged sword. On one hand I love her and still need her comfort but on the other she let me get hurt, knew about it and I got hurt again. I'm mad and Don't want to deal with her. What do I do with that?