My Dark Heart
Yeah I know I talked about this yesterday, but I'm still feeling lost and down. I hate myself. I try to be a good person and live the life that I think is best for me spiritually. But I fall so short of even being close to who I want to be. My friends think I'm kind and I guess a sort of goody two shoes. I've never sought that image because I know I'm not. It's just that when I'm at work or in a social setting I can hold my temper. As a matter of fact I'm usually so intimidated by other people that I am not very vocal. I am especially not very vocal when it comes to being negative. I guess that may be a better way that people see me, positive. But it's not positive because i say positive things, it's because I try not to say negative things.
The problem is that I keep the feelings of anger and hatefulness dwelling deep inside. I hate myself. I hate the way I act. I hate who I am and I hate that other people see me as this "goody two shoes". Not that I want people to think bad of me, I worry about that all the time. But I wish sometimes I could talk to someone like I do my therapist on a "normal" set of circumstances. I'd like to be able to say what I really feel, but my upbringing and especially what I think I should do spiritually conflict with it. So the big problem is, when I let go, I can be so nasty to those who are close to me. I'm talking, swearing, huffing, leering and saying VERY hateful things. Once it starts, it's like I can't control it. It flows and flows. As it's flowing out of me the guilt I have rides right along beside it. But it's too much for me to control, and to be honest, sometimes it feels good. Even after "losing it" sometimes I feel just anger festering in my heart. I keep trying to think of more spiritual things and I revert back to the anger. It's like an obsession.
Yesterday, I had issues at home. I'm hurting badly because of them. All I want to do today is cry and lay in bed. But even today, I felt the anger building. I was able to release it with a 30 minute flow of tears. I don't understand why I'm so angry. I don't know why I let it fester inside of me. It colors everything I look at. Most of all it taints me. I hate myself for it. I LOATHE myself. I am not a good person. Why can't anyone see that? My family can, because they have to live with me. Even my therapist can't see it. All I know is that no matter what, the anger in my heart colors everything and I want a release from the anger. No one can help me.