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I'm jealous and angry

Posted by wildnfree , 02 May 2014 · 225 views

I'm so jealous of my friends that are graduating from college, transferring, or moving away this summer. I feel like they're moving along to the next stage in life, but I'm still still in school struggling to graduate. I'm jealous they've had fun experiences at school, grown and made new friends. Don't get me wrong....I have too, but not to the extent I wanted to.
I'm angry because I've spent the past two and half years dreading college b/c one my old abusers went there. They also attended my old church, which made things even worse. Between the threats and bullying I got from them and another church member that hurt me, I ended up leaving the church and cut off ties with all my church friends. My friends desprerately wanted to know why I suddenly left, but I couldn't tell them. The people that hurt me always taunted me about how much better my friends lives were and how awful mine was. They warned me "I'd be better off somewhere else or my reputation would be ruined if I told anyone what happened."
Last semester, I broke down. Before then, I had managed to hide my pain, but slowly spiralled out of control. I couldn't hold in the pain of the abuse inside any longer. I was a nervous wreck on campus; I stopped going on certain parts of the school out of fear they'd bother me. I almost transferred schools b/c I couldn't handle seeing them at school (looking back, I wish I'd transferred Posted Image). They constantly called/texted me for months, even though I cut off contact with them. They had the audacity to harrass my parents for months, demanding to know where I was until I told them to back off. One of them told me they'd done nothing to deserve getting the cold shoulder from my family and said I was crazy and dramatic.
I heard they'll be gone after this semester (thank goodness), but the hurt and pain is still there. I feel like I put my life on pause for so long b/c of them. I couldn't go to the church about what happened b/c they didn't have the resources to help. My mom said more cases of sexual abuse have popped up recently, but people still blame and doubt the victims.
Even though those people will no longer be a threat to me, I feel like so much time has gone by...I wish I could start fresh somewhere else...new town, new school, new people.

June 2016

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