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The V diaries: part 1

Posted by wildnfree , 15 November 2013 · 147 views

TMI warning this post will be about lady parts, abuse, and learning to like them, so if that makes anyone squeamish, I'm sorry! Today I went shopping for pads and menstrual pads. Well, window shopping since I didn't have much cash. I was really excited because I wanted an alternative to pads. They're not much hassle, but I'm tired of feeling like I wear a diaper during that time of the month. 
So as I went window shopping, I looked for the smallest tampons available. I didn't see anything different from the tampons I have at home, so I bought some chocolate, sped home and jumped in my warm bed. Something happened. I cried. The more I really thought of using tampons, I cried. Using them has never been easy-it's always been a struggle. My period started when I was 11, but my mom forbade me from using my pads. She said tampons weren't for virgins and that was that. So I stuck to pads.
But around 18-19, I finally tried to use one before a pool party. My mom caught me and was furious. I didn't know why...because I was getting to know my body? She took away my tampons, but my aunt told me to experiment and get to know myself. I cringed at the thought...looking back I wish I had learned the anatomy of my lady parts early on. I would've been more knowledgeable and not so scared...my abuser used my naivete and reluctance of exploring my lady parts to his advantage. He claimed to be a "sex therapist" with tools for sexual salvation. His method of bringing me to the light was excessive porn, groping me, forcing his fingers and sex objects inside me to cause arousal, and having endless sex. It was awful :'(
He bought expensive sex toys to put inside me. I wasn't ready. I repeatedly told him I was a virgin and wanted to wait til marriage, but he ignored my wishes and repeatedly tried to arouse me. I had lots of questions about sex, but wasn't sure ready to go all the way. I cried as my body shook. I was embarrassed and scared. Entering sex toys hurt like hell. Watching porn was uncomfortable. Being aroused hurt.
As I thought about wearing tampons or menstrual cups, those awful memories flooded my mind. My body clenched. I was scared I'd hurt myself or worse. But I know I'm in control of what goes inside of me now. It's a hard journey, but I'm learning more about my vagina. I'm learning what works and what doesn't. Sometimes I wonder why I was never taught to love my vagina or how it functioned. It was like a place to be left untouched until my husband sparked the flames. In a way, I felt as if a man was supposed to teach me about my body. From a young age, I was taught z woman wasn't supposed to touch herself, or pleasure herself. How the heck could I expect my husband to please me if I couldn't please myself? Seems silly now, but I wish I'd known more about myself back then. Maybe it would've prevented a lot of heartache and being taken advantage of. 

It is so hard to learn to love yourself as a woman when our entire culture is obsessed with relegating control of our bodies to men. I couldn't use tampons at first either, but for a very different reason. It was very painful for me at first. Then, one day, I learned some breathing exercises that helped with my anxiety. That stopped the pain; it was tightening from the fear that led to the pain. I don't have anxiety about it anymore, but it took time.

December 2014

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