Deep talks with a friend
Lately, I've been having a series of deep talks with one of my friends. We talk about everything from school to relationships, our crazy families and everything in-between. For some reason, my mom has hailed him a godsend, but I beg to differ. He's smart for sure, but says a lot of things that leave me upset.
On Thursday, my friend and I were talking about pregnancy and having babies. Idk why, but my friend loves pointing out how small I am and how difficult it'll be for me to have kids in the future. Honestly, I felt like telling him I do have medical issues that might make it difficult to have children, and him saying I might not have kids really hurt.
After that, we talked about how all of our friend's lives were changing and what would happen in the next 5 years. He said I'd probably be married and have a kid on the way...unless some crazy barbarians took over the city and took advantage of me...then I'd be pregnant that way.
I just looked at him like he crazy. 1) Why would he assume I'd want to get pregnant immediately after marriage? 2) Why would it have to take a group of barbarians roaming the city to commit r*pe? 3) If I did get pregnant b/c of r*pe, why would he assume I'd keep the baby?
I may be overreacting, but if he thinks that's how all r*pes happen, he's horribly mistaken. I felt like ranting about how SA and r*pe can happen in so many ways. It doesn't have to be a creepy stranger or cruel barbaric person. SA can be committed by a family member, friend, bf/gf,spouse/partner, co-worker, boss, church member,etc, the list goes on. I hope he knows that.
When CSA and SA happened to me, NONE of those events happened by strangers. Each happened at the hands of people I knew, specifically family members and an ex from church. Talking to my friend about r*pe was difficult. He couldn't utter the words. I wanted scream what, you're too afraid to say it? I was really angry then. For a few months, I was too afraid to admit what had happened to me for what it really was.
Talking about getting pregnant from r*pe brought flashbacks from when I was with my ex. He didn't want to have kids with me, but still, the thought of getting pregnant by him horrified me. He barely cared enough for me to be his gf, and he made that very clear. He was wary of me meeting friends outside of church or spending time together in public. Because of that, I thought I wasn't worthy and thought his manipulative behavior and SA weren't so bad /c no one else would love me. Looking back, I should've known he didn't care from the jump. I wasn't his gf or friend in reality...I was a friend w/ low self esteem that wanted affection, and he took advantage of that. He used my body when needed, and he'd get angry if I refused.
I remember one time he wanted to make a promise that if he hadn't found "the one" in 8 years, he'd marry me. WTF? I was so naive back then. I should've known if I was so low on his list of marriage potentials, I should've walked out the door and ended everything right then and there...anyway, even though he didn't want kids, he'd always want to have s*x w/out a condom. I refused. But there were times when the lights were out I didn't know if he had used one on or not :'(
Other times, he'd demand I get on birth control or get plan B from the pharmacy. I thought he was being safe; looking back I realize if worse came to worse, he wanted no evidence of r*pe to come forth, especially having a baby. I was so paranoid, I had a pack of pregnancy tests hidden in my room. Each time I took a test, I prayed it would come back negative and think of gameplans if it was positive. I'd imagined what a baby would look like and knew I could never let it be apart of his family. The way he and his mother treated me, I could only imagine what that child would go through. I'd picked up unwed mother brochures, and looked up adoption agencies just in case. I'd even looked up abortion plans too, but idk if I could go through with that choice...thankfully I never had to go through that, but would be very afraid if I did.
So when my friend brought up rape, a whole lot flooded back. Sometimes when talking to him and another guy friend, I get super angry. They make a lot of assumptions about things. My heart dropped when friend #1 said a girl at his church had been SA by her stepdad and he didn't believe her. He said her step dad was a "godly man" and would never do such a thing. *eyeroll starts now* He said she went out with guys alone and partied, so she was probably lying. I wanted to scream at friend #2 when he said he'd call his daughter a wh*re if she ever dressed or acted a certain way. I asked what if his son dressed a certain way and slept around-he said he'd be proud
Didn't expect this post to be so long, but I had a lot to say and couldn't write for a few days b/c I've been sick. Sorry if anything I wrote doesn't make sense or I'm overreacting to a few things. Just had a lot of things on my mind.