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Kidding myself

Posted by Sammyxxx , 17 November 2013 · 134 views

I thought I was in a state of solitude but I have been lying to myself.
I am sad, I feel so fragile of late it only takes something very small to push me over the edge
I am not sleeping well, it doesn't help things at all. Last night I slept for just a couple of hours before
I woke myself dreaming again. I hate all the bad dreams, feel afraid to sleep sometimes.
I wonder if it's still coming off the gabapentin but I stopped a few weeks back now so doubt it.
I really do not want to try any more drugs, I don't like the way they make me feel so unlike me
and yet I cannot say I feel like me right now anyway.
I purged again tonight
Tomorrow will be another new day, a chance to start afresh again
I have been doing well at starting my days the right way lately, I drink hot water with lemon then
herbal tea have a bowl of homemade soup for breakfast making sure it contains slow release
energy to last me through the morning. It's in the evenings my eating gets out of control and all the
sweets I stash in the cupboards come out.
I started reading a self help book, I am reading just a little at a time, it is making sense so far
just hoping it will help.
I wonder if I feel worse as I am about to get better
coming to understand and beginning to work through things in my mind
Maybe I should try some other drug see if it works for me
Maybe If I could get a few decent nights sleep I would feel better

I can relate to your feelings. I have not been sleeping well for months and I think that may be affecting my already fragile mental state. I am overreacting to stuff and extremely emotional. I have already been struggling, since my Complex PTSD started, with not knowing who I am, but this stuff makes me really confused. I say all this to say that you are not alone. That may not be super comforting, but at least we do understand each other. Wishing you peace and sleep!

Sleep deprivation if going on for a long time will ruin one's physical as well as mental and emotional health. I was not getting enough REM sleep probably for a couple of years and PTSD often stopped me from even falling asleep. I tried to find answers but it all seemed confusing to me until one day I walked off my job of 11 years and refused to leave my bedroom for two months. A total breakdown. I wanted to be gone.

Now I am stuck with physical ailments for the rest of my life and am disabled but I do sleep well and hard now but I do cheat and take a very old antidepressant, Amitriptyline, It seems to be the shut off switch to quit thinking and worrying so much plus a it is also a pain reliever that works on my fibrmyalgia pain. I take a low dose 25mg at bedtime and the only side effect is a dry mouth in the morning. It is not an expensive drug cuz it has been around for a long time.

Take good care of you

December 2014

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