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Digging too deep

Posted by Sammyxxx , 26 September 2013 · 135 views

I feel let down again
I want to be your first priority
there you are off doing other things
putting others ahead of me again
I want to shout at you
You don't even realise that you are hurting me

I know I am upset and that's why it hurts right now
normally I wouldn't mind but you should know that by now
know that when I am fragile I need you more, especially if I am distant
I asked you not to do something and you stop for a while
then start again until next time I don't feel I can win with you
I pulled down so many walls to let you in and now I wish I had left them
intact because I hurt right now and I am a mess and I hate being such a mess

I haven't cut myself for a long time but I have found other ways to hurt myself
over the years - so many different ways................
I Love You so f*cking much and yet I picture myself walking away
feels wrong to be happy, feels wrong to belong and this is you house not mine
I can see that you love me but can't help but question how much or is it enough
and I have told myself that if there is no more "us" then there is no point in
continuing on. Am I just pushing myself for permission to "out" from life finally
to stop the recurrent pain.

It is so hard to keep hoping things will be okay/get better
I have been running and struggling and keeping on for so many years
and I have had enough and although I love you so very much what good
is this broken defective person to you and wouldn't you bet better
off with someone else

better to end it now than wait for you to realise what a mess I am and
feel the pain of your rejection down the line.

July 2016

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